small little things to be happy

However busy i am , i can find ways to be happy........ each day a new happiness .....big or small , happiness has no measure and i always believe that when i have decided to think positive and work towards it , nobody can stop me .....the initiative towards the actual working may get postponed , delayed or disturbed ....if it's on my mind , i shall do it ...sooner or later..

Many a times i have discussed it with my friends that if you are engaged in something requiring manual skill....working with your hands in a rhythmic manner , it relieves you of your stress . Think of playing a musical instrument , painting , pottery ,  knitting or any kind of needlecraft , molding something to create a new form....it fills you up with a sense of achievement , a sense of control and above all a sense of happiness.......a very infectious happiness , because when you are happy , you receive more smiles .simply because you spread more smiles...........

I like doing many things , depending on my whims .............and depending on what the day to day routine allows me to do....i went for shopping yesterday and after returning , was obviously exhausted ...had to feed Mithi and to cook for ourselves too...and had to watch the finale of Big Boss too....after preparing Mithi's food n feeding her n doing a few more chores i just looked at an empty carton of darjeeling tea ( which i had kept for making a medicine box to be placed on the dining table......i keep forgetting my medicines and it has to be kept in the most frequented place as a visible reminder ) ...............checked out the threads n needle and a few denim scraps i keep stashing into a bag every time we buy a new jeans and it's length is altered............
i just sat with it for the next hour watching the Big Boss finale.......cutting pieces from the scraps , threading the needle and piercing the hard fabric with my cracked fingers....it hurts in winters you know....:)

I realised the time when Arvind said he is feeling hungry n if i had cooked the dinner ........ i hurried to finish the medicine box and got up to prepare a quick dinner later ..........

The final product was not a very fancy and neat piece but it made me incredibly happy....i had done something like this after years , especially this quick.....i have been in a habit to finish a painting or a craft piece in one sitting ( sometimes it used to be several hours for a sitting ) just acting on a whim ....it worked for me always and it worked this time too.........see how it looks .....i placed a flower pot with my garden's red chrysanthemums in it for the pictures..........

and here it is with my medicines.............

posing with a pot of cactus...the cactus is planted in a coconut shell to fit in this beautiful bamboo basket , i love all handmade things.......

and here it goes to be placed where it was meant to be.....

Since it was done in just one hour , you will see a lack of finesse and i am showing you the seems too........

just in case you want to make it yourself..........

The crochet doily which can be seen in the background , is made by my maid , who was a pretty teenage girl and i taught her the school subjects as well as the crafts i knew ..... she made many woolens for herself and her family at my place and this doily she made for me ...... i discovered this in a forgotten carton where it was stashed to protect some glassware during our last transfer , which was opened to search something we needed ......... i am using this piece on my dining table these days and it is featuring in some of my food photographs too.........

Three reasons to be happy in this post ......plants can make me happy any day !!!

melt and mingle

I have been silent on this space for a long time , it's nothing new as i have been doing it quite regularly...
.....................i post something and then go into silence here......

Just think about a hyperactive mind , it just goes on thinking and blabbering so many things at the same time but it looses touch with it's own heart for a while....consciously . Consciously , because it is the heart which is prone to aches and hurts and wrenches , you know what i mean , the mind can train itself to be straight , to be strong and to be steady ...what do you do with your heart ???

The heart still skips a beat , still longs for something which can't be granted , still cries in solitude , and still hopes for the unachievable .....all this while the mind knows what it has to do and how !!!!

Homealone is where my heart is ....and my heart is not steady....i am trying to focus my mind here but the heart resurrects and directs me the right way .........yes after all the effort , it was my heart which brought me here n not the stupid mind....

There are many people who have been concerned about Mithi's well being and have been asking me about that ( especially those people who are in touch with me through this blog only ) , i owed a blog post for their sake ....thanks a ton to all of you to make me feel connected and cared for .

Mithi has not been well and in the last three months since i posted here , she has lost weight and her general condition has deteriorated some more , her scoliosis has worsened , her limbs more distorted  .... but after hearing all this , you will be happy to hear that her spirit has not been dimmed a little bit ...she started getting her teeth flossed as her momma thought she needs it now ...i thought initially that she may not like it but when i told her that mithi will feel good with fresh n shiny teeth she knew she has to do it , and she gets it done patiently everyday ......... have you seen any 8 year old being so obedient ??

Somebody said that i opened a window to the outside world by deciding to blog about my things , yes , this window has been a beautiful one.....i can see all the greenery outside , the blue sky and the gentle breeze .....i am getting so many positive influences in my life through this window .

My heart wants to thank all those people who have come up with great advices , concerns and most importantly love ( the driving force of mankind ) ....God has been kind to me to send some great people in my life....He is sending some more great people towards me through his window..........Thank you God for this ...

All the people who connect with me here on ' homealone ' are not just encouraging me ( believe me it is not a question of encouragement for me ) .... it is like a feeling of being the same ....all of us are the same at the end of the day......frozen in our own bubbles .....it's only when we extend our hand to touch others, we know that it's the same.........the same feelings and the same emotions...the lesser fortunate people are not aliens....the heart is the same , and you know , however frozen it is , the heart can melt and mingle ......... that powers me ...and you too....

aadatan bujhe se rahte hain

whenever i come here to write my ever wandering mind comes to a halt......a complete silence of thought ...silence because there are so many things to be said that all gets bottle necked and a silence prevails.....unnerving silence of my mind.....

i wonder how sometimes it is too tough to speak up.......and when you speak, it's another challenge to be heard........but the real tough job is to be understood correctly.......
there is one more challenge though....why should i bother to make people understand a few nonexistent problems.......the things you don't see, don't exist ..right??

that is the reason why i go into silence so easily...or conveniently........

aadatan bujhe se rahte hain....jalte rahte to khaak ho jaate....


but some incidents reignite the perpetual 'aag' in me...........some people never fail to hurt the already suffering .......bluntly ...but accurately....with a regular frequency at that.....

if you are wondering what i am talking ....hold on........in my last post i was talking about what not to do with patients and their caregivers.........it has been 6 years that i have been seeing such people and there have been times when i have made it clear that enough is enough...but you know, sometimes you have to follow the " respect to elders n love to younger ones " to the T.......then my policy is straight face formality.........what i am bothered is...not that i am hurt all the time ...but i loose respect for those people...and this is an ongoing process.....i find that i don't find anybody who i can respect or even be genuinely nice with....and this is certainly not a good feeling...

 I visited one of my neighbors a few days back....the uncle is under treatment for a paralytic attack and the family ..ie..wife and three children are taking good care of him.......i was actually infuriated at the behavior of some well wishers ......can you believe one of the kind ladies brings a small ( actually the smallest of the bottle guards available in the market) bottle guard and instructs that ..inko lauki ki sabzi khilao fayeda karegi....ab sewa karne se kya fayeda pahle roka hota...( the uncle has been a long standing alcoholic , trying for a successful rehab).....that's the thing which ignites me from within....in a situation where help is required , somebody comes and blows away all your efforts.......efforts of the caregivers , and the efforts of the recovering person.....i have seen Mithi getting extremely uncomfortable whenever some people are talking nonsense around her and she visibly takes a sigh of relief when they are gone.....

many a times i have been told not to listen to such advices and go on doing what i think is right.........yes that's right.....that's why i say that being understood correctly is a problem here........may be i have learnt to be firm ( in denying charity) and  to be able to convey that i am not going to tolerate any nonsense about my baby..........but when i see another sentimental and vulnerable person being subjected to such ridicule, i feel it's happening to me all over again n i can't help it.......it may sound like an eternal rant but there are some issues which you feel very strongly about ....and this is one such issue for me.

i think it stems from the age old belief that you might have done something wrong ( some PAAP ) in your life or even in your earlier janam ( pichhle janam ka paap) that you have to suffer........led by that belief people see the patient as some sajayafta,a subject of penance....as if the victim's sufferings are rightful......like apne paap ka fal bhugat rahe hain............. why don't these people see reason.............what paap the riot and terrorist attack victims have done to suffer and what punya the terrorists and their masterminds are doing to execute what they plan............

what paap a small child has done to suffer from a congenital disorder that cripples her life???

what i have learnt during all these years.....and think that every person caught up in difficult times should be able to understand....sooner or later......do not consider yourself as a victim ( though you feel like a handicapped most of the times) and do not indulge in self pity.....the moment you count upon your strengths , you become empowered .......all the limitations and handicaps make you differently able.....your thinking evolves to the levels you can't even imagine...........it may be slow but make it steady..............it has worked for me.......

these questions may be nonexistent for some people , i wouldn't say they are lucky , because i feel if we have the nerves to understand things around us, the things happening to other people around us, it helps our own self in growing up ( which i feel is an ongoing process regardless of age)....if i talk about myself.....i have stopped paying heed to such things long back in my own life, there are other issues which need my attention.......Mithi needs me so much by her side.......the question still haunts me why an innocent soul has to suffer so much.....the priority is towards keeping her happy even though she is in disgusting pain and embarrassment........it may sound strange but  as her intelligence is not affected in the condition she is suffering from, she really feels embarrassed when she sees that mama has to clean her sheets repeatedly sometimes and it becomes extremely messy and smelly sometimes........the embarrassment is very visible on her face even if a single muscle does not move........i have to ensure i cuddle her up after cleaning the things n kiss her n tell her it happens with everybody ( i tell her kabhi kabhi mama ko bhi loose motion hota hai to badbu aati hai...papa ko bhi hota hai...koi baat nahi ab theek ho jayega)........

i wonder when a 8 yr old with no exposure to outside world can understand the feelings , why grown ups seeing the world with eyes wide open become blind........

a post by IHM on Who gave you your thoughts   moved me to this space and i finished this half written post which was waiting in the drafts for long time........thankyou, IHM for bringing me back to home...alone.:)

.....for the things which have influenced me, i'll write my next post , hopefully very soon as it has been a subject of my ever wondering mind many a times........my post the banana seller also discusses the same things....

what not to do

Sometimes all those lemons make you bitter from inside.........'bitter from inside ' because you are the only one who is to taste that, to live with that............others are way too busy to have a look at what you have inside........the lemonade and the lemony delicacies are enough to keep them wondering (awestruck most of the times .........) .

have been thinking of writing about what people around you, do unconsciously , hurting you, they don't realize that all the lemons have peeled your skin n it irritates to no end.......that you are prone to getting hurt regarding some sensitive topics of your life and existence.......

my new issue of good housekeeping got delivered today and my eyes stopped at an article explaining ,'what not to tell a cancer patient'.......i could not agree more..........have experienced so many 'acid attacks' and reading the article made me sad ............at the same time i was feeling like writing all those things which people DO NOT realize doing..........mostly the reason being, as i understand, they love sympathizing.............they find the opportunity to show solidarity sometimes.......in your face.........bluntly.........they are relieved that they are not the ones suffering and at the same time they are scared if it happens to them.........

i may be wrong but i feel that there is a fashion of doing charities these days and you get targeted for an act of 'charity' when there is no other spectacular option............am i being harsh...........and bitter.........NO.......it is so obvious in their body language, the way they hand out 'gifts'......and the way they look at my child..........there have been very few incidents when i have reacted to such things, when it was impossible for me to be nice to them.

and why i call the people 'THEM' and 'THEY'..............they think that it's not them , it's the other people who are meant for this and they cite endless examples telling you stories you are so scared of , or sometimes involve your future worries.......what will happen when you will get old n helpless...............so all the suffering people for them is the 'other people'........ bechare log........and it's their moral duty to sympathize.

ohhh there is another variety.........they start telling you all their woes .......the 'sympathy mongers' ...........these people crib and boast at the same time.............helpless variety , they just have salt, not acid..........they just gobble up your time.......no other harm though.......

i used to think of the ways to write about such experiences .......i know most of the people do it very innocently and unconsciously............after reading the story i felt like telling people what not to do with people with special needs .............i am a mother of a special needs child .......and still so outraged ........just think of the person who is directly at the receiving hand..........have seen people becoming bitter from outside too.......in one of my earlier posts, i have hinted towards such changes in a person at the receiving end.........now i am bold enough to talk about it openly.....

i have some good and some very good people in my life too and i do try and find my peace and happiness through small little things around me , but somehow those nasty people make me restless and uncomfortable many times.....that is the reason i wanted to list all of that , more so because i feel the 'nasty' people are very unskilled communicators, their intentions may be good most of the times but they end up peeling your skin while doing a beauty treatment for you..........they should know and the society as a whole , should also know ..........that if there are special people, they are not to be stashed under the carpet , that they are entitled to a dignified life , entitled to respect and love.........support should come from the immediate family and they should not be alienated from the society.............

will come back with all those detailed versions soon.......

when life gives you lemons

start making lemonade.....when life hurls lemons at you.........

when life gives you lemons, what options do you have?
making lemonade...........making your kind of lemonade.......making the best lemonade in town..........

how to make lemonade now........the question is , do you know the recipe?
and do you know how to start with?
and what do you need for it?
and what if you don't like any lemonade at all?
and for how long you can have lemonade only?

oh then......better you start juggling with lemons.......become a lemon juggler.......people will watch you from a distance..........making a circle around you.......... shouting...... see.. how well she juggles?...............keep up............oh yeah , she can only do it..............how do you manage?

you are breathless......hands aching....feet trembling.........head spinning.......
NO..........NO you can't stop........you have to continue.......oh that one.....was about to miss.........yes, caught it........phewww..............just hope the new batch of lemons is fewer in number..........

they are applauding....louder n louder............they see your juggling hands..........your trembling feet go unnoticed.........the lemons are blurring your eyes.......your tears freshen up your grim face......you look away....n catch up another one..........you smile at them.....your feet need a good rub....but that's your feet, not you.

and if you make the lemonade.....it's so good.........they need it more........nobody makes it better......you are extraordinary with it........they are thankful for your lemons............they need some more this time.....may be you can make some nimbu achar too....that would be so good.......they will love it....awesome.....you are the best.....the tart lemons have cut crevices in your hands.....you hide your hands and smile...........hmm... you have learnt it the hard way........your way....

you are fed up with the lemons.......start looking beyond the lemons.......the lemon yellow color blinds your eyes and you start wearing antiglares.....hey it looks good on you......don't look at the lemons...protect your eyes.......walk strait .........there are other things to enjoy while handling them.......after all you can make lemonade, nimbu ka achar and juggle with the leftovers and get applauded.........

need some more lemons........??

have been away from this blog for a long time now..........and yes it was mostly intentional........when everything becomes so convoluted in life, i tend to look around for something else......driving my mind away from the current situation..............is it escapism?? it may well be but it is my survival strategy right now..........or does it even qualify to be called a strategy........i actually end up behaving like this rather unconsciously...........and no, i am not at peace with myself...........increasingly now i feel like exhausted and drained........so much so that thinking about the problems makes my heart sink..........that is the reason i am drawn towards my food blogs like never before.....i have drafted so many posts there that the number of drafts has become as much as the posted ones...........keeping myself engaged is giving some relief........though the peace of mind is all gone................

being away from writing here was something like not being able to see eye to eye with my own self.......as if i do not relate with what my frame of mind is right now..........


i wrote these lines two weeks back and dint post as i felt it is a bit depressing ............and i never want to make any body feel like that...........never in my wildest dreams i would like to propagate this sinking feeling of mine .......especially to those who come here n read my blog..............but then i thought that i am writing this blog just to tell everybody to come out n survive the odds, how i am doing it myself.........so i would really want to tell here that hitting the bottom is the end of sinking.........after that you have to come up......as i am trying all the while............it takes a lot of ' maneuvering myself '........yes, and consciously so.........there are moments when i am deep drown into tears , but at the same time i know that it is 'me n myself' only who is going to change this..............whatever way......

yes i was kind of not able to make a dialogue with myself.......not writing here is like that.............now when i write this, there is this feeling that i have the courage to talk to myself........and whatever is coming to me right now , has to go away..........when my little angel is suffering like that .......my head spins off........heart sinking........n i completely loose track..............her recurrent fits, her inability to eat.......n most of all, that expression of her eyes
makes my heart wrench ........my limbs go numb and for a moment i forget where i am n what i am doing...........that frantic comforting act done to her is all done in a haze........almost mechanically.................but at the end of this i find myself diverting my mind to something else......sometimes stepping out into the garden or surfing the net aimlessly.........i find something or the other to make my mind think something else........then i am able to talk to mithi........about the song playing on the radio ........or what she wants to wear or how her nails are so beautiful.........she looks comfortable only when i am able to talk to her in a normal voice........she doesn't smile anymore...........my greatest disappointment, but even when she looks relieved i feel like my 'maneuvering act' is working...........

now i am relieved that i could write here ......it was like unburdening my mind..........more like a painful regurgitation , with a throbbing head..........but in the end it calms you down...............it has connected myself with me.........

ratna banerji is a dear friend of mine who wrote these beautiful words to me after reading my previous post and again i feel lucky that i find a few good people around me who strengthen my belief in my own value system.............i felt like i wanted to preserve these words with me on this very space so i copied n pasted it here as it is..........she has written a few bangla words but i want to keep it as it is.......

surely deserving a separate post.....


Tumi khub sundor likhecho.asole amader negative feeling gulo na chaitei khub sahoje ese jae,
kintu positive feelings gulo ke chesta kore ante hoy.sei chesta ta habit e transfer korte
samoy lage.
Tomake ekta boier naam bolchi, parle poro,
SWAMI SUKHABODHANANDA er lekha"CELEBRATING SUCCESS & FAILURE"..

okhane uni bolchen "action is an expression of thought,thought is an expression of our belief."

thought ase information, experience,belief system & sanskar theke.hence the consequential aftereffects
of thought towards sanskar is as follows:

thought > feelings & emotion > attitude > action > habit > personality > destiny > sanskar.



uni bolchen..." you are your enemy and you are your friend.A mind that encourages you to go
forward wisely is a true friend.A mind that discourages you is truly an enemy.constantly be
alert to who is guiding your life

amader thought process e thik kare amader feelings positive habe na negetive habe.
tomar kache je banana seller ese chilo, tar purono kono experience tar belief system take mould kore dieche,
tai sekhan theke o berie aste parche na.ekta abiswas kaj korche sakoler oporei.

tai ekhane swami sukhabodhanando bolchen," let the center of your life be trust and the periphery be doubt.
but if the center of your life is doubt and periphery trust then you are in a wrong state.
so fine tune your life in deep trust.

negetive thinking to sakoleri ase, asbei.kintu seta je negetive eta feel korte paratai kichuta positive progress
nahole besirbhag manus bujhtei parena je tar thought process tar activities negative thinking er result.

the banana seller

for many days i have been just thinking n not writing anything..........the mind keeps churning the memories and ongoing experiences, while the physical being is busy in mundane activities..................inner conflicts arise when i put up a question within myself, if i am doing something wrong or is it wrong only for others.............obviously rights and wrongs are highly relative and view points may be different................i was just thinking from where this strong conviction comes in me and how this thinking process becomes so strong that a concrete belief is formed, an unshakable faith is build up.................i am a very strong opinionated person and my opinions are made only after a lot of thoughts going behind it , otherwise i don't have an opinion on so many worldly matters........ i am questioning myself if i am arrogant about my opinions or how my faiths and beliefs are important for me, and do our experiences of our past life influence our opinion making process????

i have been watching a banana seller lately, he is an old man who sells bananas in our colony knocking our doors to ask if we need bananas....... this is a humble person who carries his bananas in a wicker basket on his head, mostly the basket is so heavy that he asks me to help taking the basket off his head and keeping it back to his head after i am done with buying bananas...... i noticed a very awkward thing when i helped him putting the basket back on his head for the first time........when i pulled my hands back he looked at it promptly to check if i have taken any extra banana from his basket, i could not believe it that he was thinking i could steal a banana during that............do i look like a chorrr???
but to my amusement he still does the same and when i thought about it and discussed it with arvind.....reached to this conclusion that he might have experienced it .........imagine this humble banana seller who has seen people from decent homes stealing his bananas on the pretext of helping him......think of his opinion about decent people around him.............he has his own ways to deal with it............. at the same time he is not hurting anybody to save his interest.

many such cumulative experiences mold our personalities............many good and bad experiences get buried into deeper crevices of our brain and actually becomes our subconscious, even when we don't want to be influenced by a bad experience , it is always there at the back of our mind................the truth is , this is how our mind and body works.

being optimistic and positive is what everybody talks and i really believe in being positive, it has worked for me, immensely, i can tell many chapters of how i have been benefited just by being positive, even when every single thing has been against me............but at the same time i want to tell that, if i become weak or pessimistic or even negative for a while...............it is not that bad.............after all these negative moments make me realize what i have to choose.....if i am not able to address my negativity, how will i be able to sort it out.

it is better to address my negative feelings head on, if i have some fears, some insecurities or some worries ........these are all connected to my past experiences........it is a proven fact even in the science of psychology............if i am able to weed out all those thoughts from my mind , i will be a successful positive thinker...........upto my understanding , nobody is an absolute positive thinker and all those who practice positivity, are just moving towards positive faith.........and that is what i intend to........

finding my ways with frederick's ataxia

actually it is about finding my ways with the circumstances of life, all of them put together, but why i name only frederick's ataxia, it is probably because this one is the biggest challenge that life has given me........to my beloved daughter, to the angel who would have been a pretty n chirpy young girl by now..........she is still pretty, but this FA is torturing her to no limits.......her breathing is becoming more n more difficult, her tongue more paralyzed, but she is stronger than me i suppose.....trying to tell me something,which my senses are not able to decipher...........and when i talk to her, anything and everything , she likes it and one very significant development i can see is , that now she knows that she can do something on her own to get over with a coughing bout or even a seizure..........during such discomforts i have been watching her from a distance and telling her ....mithi will push it hard............and i can see the change in her approach, as earlier she would get annoyed and teary eyed, visibly shaken and extremely exhausted after every such bout.........now she fights her way through it and though her face gets red n eyes teary due to the impact, she feels relieved after it and contented at her little victory...........i cheer her up and do what she likes the most......kissing all over her face.

i am not trying to write a literary piece, but there is definitely a purpose, writing all this is helping me find new ways...........the most important being, how i learnt to get doing all this writing blogs which earlier i thought was impossible cuz mithi will be neglected and i will not be able to keep undivided attention towards her...............earlier i used to keep her next to my chair and physically touching her with my elbow or feet so that she knows that mama is close to her..........meanwhile typing on the computer and talking to her in between , fearing she might feel isolated or neglected...........now when i am done with her daily chores, i tell her that it is time to rest for mithi and mama will do her work.......she understands when i tell her that mama will come to you whenever she calls..........sometimes she makes a sound to call me n sometimes it is just a harried breathing pattern that i have to catch, but now she knows that mama will come when she needs her.

i just pray this bloody FA does not give her any more pain and that she becomes stronger to fight with it.............my purpose to write all this is partially directed towards other people who are affected with FA or have a family member who is affected with it.......i find many people who google search for frederick's ataxia, come to this blog and read it......i really would like to exchange ideas and solutions and suggestions with them as we can create a dialogue between us and may get benefited....i request all those people to post a comment on this blog and let me know more.....any suggestions are more than welcome.......i would love to get sugestions where i am wrong or what else can be done to improve the living conditions of a FA patient..............querries are also welcome.
i take a great care of nutrition in her food and intend to share what type of food i give to her............which is keeping her as comfortable as can be.........the problems of a sedentary patient like her are many and i would really like to make a link with others in the same situation.............i would like to know how it can be dealt with in a better way or if i may help others...............please let me know.........

nightmare

there was some uneasy feeling in my sleep and it was a very bad dream that i don't remember now, but it caused me to get up immediately, what i saw, mithi was in the middle of a bad seizure, almost at the verge of choking.............all my muscles got to work immediately..............thank God, she knows that she has to fight, that she has to be strong, and when mama is with her she is relieved ...........her face turns purple-blue.......and when it is over, she looks at me,as if saying , mama i won.............i love her for this.............she answers me in a way, to the things which i keep telling her.........jab mithi ko dard hoga to mithi thodi aur strong ho jayegi...........jab mithi ko koi pareshan karega to mithi usko dhakka de degi.................she tells me , mama i pushed it hard.

it is a constant worry with me that if something happens to mithi , and if i am in sleep at that time.....what will happen.........i have many times told mithi that whenever mama is sleeping and she feels some problem, she should tell mama in a dream.............i think mithi learned to tell me this time, this way..................hope she manages to tell me whenever she needs me............

a friend asked me why you named this blog homealone..........i had no other word on my mind when i was signing up..........i had been confined to home forever it seems.........even when i went out for clubbing or any other seemingly entertaining activity, in those days, i always felt lost..........lost in the most crowded places.......my mind was always at home...................and when i was at home, alone, it was like a mad rush of doing something.........i didn't know what, but it seems, i thought i had to do something............what was that something, i didn't know...........and because i couldn't do anything of that sort...............the most common thing i did was crying or eating something or the other................so much so that when my whole day maid used to leave in the evening, i always wanted to stop her till late ............till arvind comes from office..............it was something like i had put up a brave face in front of others but the moment i was alone......all my strength crumbled down........it seems.
recently i have started going out on weekends, when arvind is at home to take care of mithi............and nobody can understand better than me that the traffic on the roads can be therapeutic.............the marketplace chaos can be refreshing...and the moving, rushing people all around can assure you that life is normal.........everything is going on...............move on........get up and move on.........

however hard i wanted, i could not write anything on this blog of mine throughout the last week, i don't know why but there was a thought somewhere on the back of my mind, that i am being judged.............from the words i write............that somebody may make their own inference of what i am or what i think.................what worried me the most, is that i have never cared what people think about me, i always do what i think is right and nobody dictates my rights and wrongs...................thankfully the good sense prevailed and i came back to my natural self.

sometimes when people misunderstand what i say, i don't even feel the need to explain myself....or to convince them...........but i prefer to give myself time to evaluate myself,............. what was wrong?.......my saying.......or the other person's understanding.............usually i get the answer after pounding my stubborn head...........as i got it now........i don't do anything to please people.

my purpose of writing here is finding happiness i what i do................writing here is like telling everybody how contented i am...........this is a very beautiful feeling that i can do the things the way i want to..............i don't think this is arrogant to think like that, see how the things have come to me in life,................everyday is like struggling against a new challenge..........it is turbulent, very much so, but when in the end i see that i found a way out..............i think being successful in life means a lot like this.

i am reminded of the day when i was telling about some bad memories of mine to manisha, and in the end she asked me if i feel successful in life now..............i remember i promptly said yes........manisha understood my yes.........the way i feel, but in today's world when being successful is associated with the kind of money you earn n the kind of lifestyle you have............there are many people who will find me eccentric............i am not complaining, i like being called eccentric......it gives me an edge.

arvind often asks me, why do you keep fighting with yourself............cuz i don't want to fight with other people, don't want to waste my energy.......i'll tell him now.