have been away from this blog for a long time now..........and yes it was mostly intentional........when everything becomes so convoluted in life, i tend to look around for something else......driving my mind away from the current situation..............is it escapism?? it may well be but it is my survival strategy right now..........or does it even qualify to be called a strategy........i actually end up behaving like this rather unconsciously...........and no, i am not at peace with myself...........increasingly now i feel like exhausted and drained........so much so that thinking about the problems makes my heart sink..........that is the reason i am drawn towards my food blogs like never before.....i have drafted so many posts there that the number of drafts has become as much as the posted ones...........keeping myself engaged is giving some relief........though the peace of mind is all gone................

being away from writing here was something like not being able to see eye to eye with my own self.......as if i do not relate with what my frame of mind is right now..........


i wrote these lines two weeks back and dint post as i felt it is a bit depressing ............and i never want to make any body feel like that...........never in my wildest dreams i would like to propagate this sinking feeling of mine .......especially to those who come here n read my blog..............but then i thought that i am writing this blog just to tell everybody to come out n survive the odds, how i am doing it myself.........so i would really want to tell here that hitting the bottom is the end of sinking.........after that you have to come up......as i am trying all the while............it takes a lot of ' maneuvering myself '........yes, and consciously so.........there are moments when i am deep drown into tears , but at the same time i know that it is 'me n myself' only who is going to change this..............whatever way......

yes i was kind of not able to make a dialogue with myself.......not writing here is like that.............now when i write this, there is this feeling that i have the courage to talk to myself........and whatever is coming to me right now , has to go away..........when my little angel is suffering like that .......my head spins off........heart sinking........n i completely loose track..............her recurrent fits, her inability to eat.......n most of all, that expression of her eyes
makes my heart wrench ........my limbs go numb and for a moment i forget where i am n what i am doing...........that frantic comforting act done to her is all done in a haze........almost mechanically.................but at the end of this i find myself diverting my mind to something else......sometimes stepping out into the garden or surfing the net aimlessly.........i find something or the other to make my mind think something else........then i am able to talk to mithi........about the song playing on the radio ........or what she wants to wear or how her nails are so beautiful.........she looks comfortable only when i am able to talk to her in a normal voice........she doesn't smile anymore...........my greatest disappointment, but even when she looks relieved i feel like my 'maneuvering act' is working...........

now i am relieved that i could write here ......it was like unburdening my mind..........more like a painful regurgitation , with a throbbing head..........but in the end it calms you down...............it has connected myself with me.........