The blue of the sky
reflects in my heart
you are looking into my eyes
from the world above....
I woke up drenched in sweat. In a winter's night.
Felt like someone was talking to me and it snapped within a fraction of second. I was not able to recollect what it was about. But it seemed very pleasant and comforting.
And slowly it started pouring into my head like a recollection of some snippets of real life.
This is something from the days when I was exasperated about Mithi's condition. It was frustrating to watch a angelic child in pain and distress and the feeling that I am of no use. Those were the days when my own health had started getting affected and I used to fear if something happens to me who would take care of my doll.
The times of the most intense disgust had awakened a resolve in me. I decided to pray for Mithi's departure from this painful world. It was a world full of pain and disability for her. It was better if she went to a better place. I started praying for her release from this excruciating pain. Difficult it was as it meant she wouldn't be with me. Still I did pray as there was no other way.
One or two days into these prayers when I started feeling guilty about it. After all I used to console her saying Mama loves her and will always be with her. All her world was her mama who kept talking to her the whole day and there was almost no exposure to the outside world. Her eyes used to keep looking for me and a hug , a kiss or just a pat sometimes would comfort her. Saying that mama loves Mithi was as common as breathing and probably the lifeline too for both of us. She got comforted and thus comforting me seeing the relieved face.
And here I was praying for something that would take her away from me, I wouldn't be with her always. The realisation struck me hard. The guilt was like a sharp knife piercing through me.
That was the day when I told her. I told her Mama is praying for her to be taken away by God, asking if she is happy with it. She nodded the way she used to, by drooping her eyelids. And with a faint smile. Her smiling muscles were impaired as well. But she had the most wonderful smile believe me.
The twitch of the corner of her lips, the smile that was, and the dimly lit twinkle that her eyes revealed into a fragmented smile, made me comfortable. I knew she wanted the same way and that she was convinced mama is wanting something good. She joined me in my prayer and we did every single prayer together thereafter.
God would take Mithi softly put into an Udankhatola (a flying playpen if translated in English) and make her body alright. She would walk there and play. And then we would meet there.
This became our daily prayer. Holding hands and saying this to each other when we were alone, lying in the bed. For almost a year.
And the prayers worked. Not only in relieving her of the pain, but doing it in a way that was the least bothersome and tormenting for me as well. The dreadful day was handled in the best possible way.
This dream had revealed something serious to me. The sweat soaked body was not distressed but relieved.
The trail of my awakened thoughts took me to the dreams that were a regular frequency till a few weeks back. I would see both of us in different places with Mithi being in the same condition. Myself carrying her delicately so her neck is in the right place and her limbs are dangling like they did in real life. These dreams were numerous, every time there will a similar kind of situation but different places and we as different people. Both of us always worried about her well being. I was always caressing or protecting her limbs or carrying her in my lap protectively.
There was this uncanny feeling that she was my daughter in every life that I had and this ailment was there every time. A disheartening thought. An excruciating feeling.
And then I stopped getting these dreams. Did this new dream come with a message?
I was still clueless and yet with a pleasant feeling of being with someone very comforting.
Drenched in sweat, as I splashed water on my face, the realisation occurred that those prayers might have relieved her from the suffering for always. I couldn't remember a thing from this dream but there was a feeling that I have been with her, she telling me how it worked. With a broader smile, a brighter face.
Was it a message for me from the other world?
A comforting message for sure.
Have you ever been to the world of dreams?
All of us dream something or the else everyday but have you woke up after a dream feeling you were there physically? Lucid dreams.
It has been a regular thing with me, I used to have lucid dreams and would get disoriented when awake, sometimes confused and sometimes the memory of the dream would meld with real memories to make them one, un-distinguishable. Real.
I saw many incidents that were about to happen, layouts of the streets I had to inhabit and the feel of the house I was to shift. Many times in the past, I would get an idea of how the things would turn out in close future.
How dreams take you to another world. A real world, as if you are just in another city or in another compartment of the same train you are travelling. The visions are so real, the feelings tangible. I have witnessed many of my lucid dreams coming to reality. I would recall just the way I felt in the dream when I would experience the same feeling in reality, when the dream unfolds in cold realty.
Some times a restlessness that I felt in a particular dream would be experienced in real life and my mind would travel back to the same dream subconsciously...the memory of the restlessness would veer back to the dream eventually.
This time the dream was to comfort me.
It was like another puzzle unfolding and I am definitely feeling a lot better.