Tuesday, September 21, 2010

fumbling with the words ....... finding my way.....

It has been almost 9 months since Mithi decided to go quietly . Probably it was someone up there who decided to call the little angel back home but it was the little angel herself who decided to leave so quietly , without a fuss and without causing a louder shock. She took care of her parents and took care not to bother any other people who might have found difficult to deal with it...

I always felt that i was prepared for her to let go but now i feel how wrong i was ... It was just that i could not see her bearing all the pain and wanted her pain to vanish even if it meant her life . Parting with my little angel has been like a loss i never had imagined , ever.  I want that little Mithi back who played with my hair and pinched my lips indicating me to sing for her , who was so content with her mama's hug that even the mama felt like having the world in her arms.... that world is lost , for ever..

As the clouds refuse to go and the temperatures are changing , my heart sinks to think of all those adjustments we had to do to make her comfortable in the changing weather . How i used to lift her on my shoulders and walk her in the house or in the garden ... mithi ghumne jayegi  were the words she could be happy with , her neck resting on my left shoulder and her limp legs dangling below my knee , her left arm around my neck , palms resting on my right shoulder .........how i want to hold her like that.... even like that , even when this was the last thing a mother would want to record her child's growth by how far her feet reach down my legs when i lift her on my shoulders....she was growing bigger..she had been a healthy chubby child but she had become very thin and just a skeleton in her last days......cannot forget the last time i held her , as if she had no weight and felt like a senescent leaf on my shoulders .....

She was the center of my universe for the last 9 years . I never wanted to know anything other than her medical condition , her feeding  , her bed to avoid any bed sores , her brushing and flossing teeth , sponging , bathing , combing ....... she had long braids just 3 months before she died . I snipped her hair myself as it was getting tangled and it took longer to shampoo .... I was so into that universe that i find the world outside very very different . These 9 years has been a time when the world has changed a lot and imagine a person who has been cut off from the world for that long...i had never seen a multiplex for instance . I feel lost . I feel lost in the outside world and i feel lost in the house as well , not knowing what to do without her.....

I thought i am a fairly strong person and wanted to manage it well , so well that i remember that i found myself consoling other people a few times... i changed topic when someone came to sympathize and i consoled every single person who broke down talking to me about her . I was wrong , the grief was waiting from the margins ...to take it's grip on me , to consume me.  I try and distract my mind a hundred times and yet it comes back . I pose for happy pictures and talk cheerful things so that nobody talks to me about her and the sense of loss is right there in my heart . It swells up as soon as i take my eyes away from the computer screen , or a book or the nth number of half done knitting or crocheting project . My eyes burning , head throbbing and the heart swelling up to choke me . I never felt so week in my life .... the time when her condition was diagnosed was the time when i was a worried mother , i cried a lot thinking what is going to happen .........but now it feels like questioning myself about what is left ....

I know i have to get out of it and i am working towards it . Writing these words is actually the process of working towards moving on.........i know i have to start afresh .

The difficult time when i was acting strong and yet feeling like a dump of clay is over . Still when i read IHM's blog and see her grief , all of that is revived with full force and how i used to feel ... i know there is no right or wrong way to grieve , there is nothing you must or must not do as you have no control over your emotions and  the delirious mind can lead you to utter depression . There are flashes of moments when you realize that still there is life ahead but you are so lost you never seem to know how to handle..

In the initial days , it felt like my physical self had liquidized , and i wanted to evaporate somewhere and yet at the same time there was a realization that i have to resurrect . Resurrect with a tougher material . I really felt like being in a liquid state for a very long time , as if my body was not a part of me , no appendages and no skin ...there was really no sensation of a physical being . The mind was working overtime , a throbbing head was the only part of body alive ..... new folds of the brain were being analyzed , whats and whys  and what should have been and then a delirium...........i could feel a hurried breathing and would be up to reach her for she needed me .... realizing instantly she was not here .

For an instant i would realize the physical presence of my hands as i would feel the warmth of those little hands , and then my hands would be empty ...but the touch of her skin still there...i could feel her breath on my cheeks and could not kiss her ...that's when i would feel a huge hollow consuming me from inside . A hollow stuck in my throat , another claiming my heart ............and i really wanted to evaporate...... and yet somewhere there was a sense that i have to resurrect with a tougher material , a tougher skin , tougher bones to stand up and a tougher grip to hold on what was left .....

It feels like it was just a moment ago when it happened ...... and sometimes it feels like it was ages ago .... the delirium of the mind continues in episodes and between those episodes there is a strong will towards getting up and start afresh .........it has taken time and i know it will take some more time to be able to find the right things to be done the right way.....

I found a book in the library , i often feel that the books sometimes find me instead of it being the other way  , this time it seems i have willed the book towards me .......... I had never heard about the book or the author and a black paperback caught my eyes ...The Knitting Circle by Ann Hood . She lost her 5 year old daughter to meningitis , suddenly , without a warning . And like me and like all of us she had other issues in life too to handle and it felt like she was loosing everything she had after the demise of her daughter . Her mother leads her towards joining a knitting club and she realizes after a while that we all have to learn to face our loss and our past in order to move on .

I kept crying while reading the book and Arvind was puzzled what is happening , i kept on reading the book and telling him the story and the sentiments woven into it .......... i must say the book has definitely helped me accept my loss , to an extent , it is an ongoing journey and i will have to work towards it continuously i know . I am already working hard towards it . You have to read my cheerful posts on the food blogs i write to believe this.

Are you still with me ?? still reading the weighing down words ?? 
Thank you . I had written this post some time back but never posted as i felt that i should not burden my readers with an emotionally plummeting account of my heart , but when i read this book it felt like it may lead someone else to unclog their own bottle necked emotions , like plopping up the cork and let go of the fizz .....the trapped energy which needs to be let loose must be let loose .... as i was having a word with IHM . Talking about what i feel was important and i was not finding words...i hope now it will be possible to have a way with all those painful words....may be i will be able to convert them into a soothing lotion....

I suggest this book to everybody who wants to help themselves with any kind of emotional bottleneck , any kind of disturbing past or any kind of loss . I have always felt that working with your hands is a good way to give a way to your energies , i have written about it here , any craft which needs your mind to concentrate and your hands work in a rhythmic manner . Many people find it old fashioned , but nothing is old fashioned if it gives you a sense of creation and peace of mind ..... time is not a factor as even if you do it for 10 minutes in the midnight you will feel how it works for you.... "The Knitting Circle" will give you thousand reasons to get started with knitting but you know your own reasons and your own crafts to start with.

Thank you Dear Reader for being with me all this while.....I needed a dialogue here , an honest one ..... posing for happy pictures has not helped and now it was time for an honest confession of being a weak heart ... as they say the heart breaks but it still beats .... can i make the heart beat to my own tune.......ooohh....

Ann Hood says she knits her love for her daughter everyday .... I have lost faith in prayers for now but i have immense faith in love and in the will of the mind....


  1. I too have immense faith in love and our own will to smile and remember our babies with proud, loving smiles. Mithi was a loved child, I loved reading this post, although it made me teary eyed, I still reading loved it...

  2. Yes , our faith in love and our own will is something nobody can take away . Remembering my baby with a smile is something i want to do effortlessly . I am so proud of her but the pain keeps me from smiling , i am sure the pain will vain away one day...

  3. You are never away from me.......
    I am still away.......returning India this coming Monday .
    its amazing how we get strength running away from situation never helps.
    Take care . We express ourselves but man normally don't share their grief with anybody....so do take care of Arvind dear ......

  4. Thank you Sarita Ji ...
    Yes , Arvind is a quieter person but since we two are the best of friends , we talk about her and everything else , all the time . As i write this i realize how he has transformed himself from a shocked-horrified person when her condition was diagnosed to a comforting caring person now.
    Thanks again...

  5. sangeeta,
    Your cooking blogs were of gr8 interest to me and i was so deeply moved to read thro this one. You should be really proud, as God has chosen one sangita, to take care of the little angel he had proudly possessed to remain on earth for sometime, till he wanted her back. Not everymother is born with such skills to take care of such a privileged child. Pl go thro "autobiography of a yogi" by sri paramahansa yogananda and there u will see ur questions answered. take care dear, keep posting ur feelings as we sisters are there only to shoulder ur pains and not ignoring them. take care of ur hubby

  6. Thanks Nirupama...

    This special motherhood has made me richer in many ways and i really feel that i am the chosen one ..many times....

    I will find out this book and read it soon.

  7. sangita, u can read autobiography of a yogi online too, pl check, u will really feel that ah this is what i was thinking about, take care

  8. Thanks Nirupama....i'll check out right now..

  9. Dear Sangeeta
    Your expressions have moved me again and badly. I just dont know what to say now. I feel sad.I know many things when Mithi was here and what all you had done for her.
    I think you are recovering from the shock in a nice way....Of course there is no escape from memory but again the key is distraction and you can see that in Ann's book. I havent read the book, but I can see it is helping you a lot. I dont read books any more except Geeta, which U may try to read.
    But the main thing is you must look ahead and proceed, of course you must visit past but dont stay or live there. I may sound bit rude, but there are many things you have to do, for which God has sent you here..complete your tasks for which you are here.
    When the past memories try to drag you back and try to hold you down, you must get out of it fast...difficult, I know, but possible...

    Take care
    I shall write to you soon.

  10. There is nothing more reliving than the ability to accept your grief and the right words to describe it. Both IHM and you have managed to do that beautifully. TJ and Mithi, will be both loved forever and at the same time make my eyes moist.

    Hugss and so sorry to read this post so late. I ahve been working on updating my Blog roll.

  11. I wept when reading this post. I do not know what to say.... I am too choked.

    I would suggest you going through the following links where the spiritual masters' Osho and Jiddu Krishnamurti have talked about death and dying. I hope these articles would be helpful to you.





  12. We can read your expressed heart and we can only feel the inexpressible part of it. एक सहारा खो जाए तो दूसरा चुनना चाहिए, यह सनातन परामर्श है, यद्यपि यह कठिन होता है.

  13. First of all, I must acknowledge that Its an honour to us, your blogdosts, that you chose to share your grief with us.

    Yes, you are a strong woman. and even the strongest of people feel overwhelmed with emotions. I can understand your attempts to seek happiness through various activities like blogging, cooking, etc. Even the momentary distraction that you found through these activities is commendable and valuable. For craft activities, try really really small projects which can be completed in a few days or better still in a few hours so that you get the sense of acomplishment before you get distracted. I have found that you have to feel emotionally connected even with craft projects for them to give you satisfaction. I am sure you will be able to complete more projects when this happens.

  14. The love of a parent, the understanding of a companion and the grief of a mother... all so gut wrenching. You are doing the best thing by writing all this out, and looking forward to helping others too, around you. Glad to have stumbled by your blog.

  15. I came here from IHM's blog, Sangeeta. BEgan from the last posts and going backward. This post and the honesty in your words hit me hard. And I'm glad to have met you. True that love has no boundaries and your daughter celebrates her mother day in and out, till this day, wherever she is! She must be mighty proud of you at this moment....

  16. I am so glad to meet people like you too RS . How many people you find in this world who can really connect with you , even for a moment.... Thank you.

  17. Dear Sangeeta,
    I am shocked to read this..as I was browsing your this blog..and it has moved me so deep, no word of wisdom from my side as you are dealing it very well..writing here and releasing all the emotions slowly..Knitting or for that matter any craft as such is a very good way of easing out..hope for the best as perhaps your daughter must have wished the same for you and all her love still remains with you.. and with that love you are never alone, trust me ..hugs and smiles

  18. Dear Jaya ...The crafty things have been really good and this blog too...
    Thank you for being here.

  19. Dear Sangeeta, Everytime I go through your blog I get an immense overriding feeling. Mithi was a blessed child who came to you for a short period. Sangeeta, you make me realise everytime that I should not be taking for granted the love of two little daughters which i do a bit often. take care dear.. you are such a strong woman and the memory of a lovely child makes you all the more stronger..

  20. Dear Rekha...it's true that i want to gain strength from the memories of my angel , let's see how much i can achieve . Thanks for all the love .... convey my hugs n kisses to your two little lovelies.

  21. HI Sangeeta, how r u doing. I'm not sure what to write here(never good with words).....was looking at your food blog from few days & it's silent & I know it's been one year since Mithi left, it's always difficult to think about that time but I feel it's fair enough to feel sad & express your feelings. Today I read almost all the posts from this blog since Mithi left, though she had only 9 yrs. with U but she was fortunate to have U as a mother, who is loving, understanding & strong. Just remembering her and I wasn't sure where should I comment, felt this one is the post and I feel it's O.k to wish U & Arvind A Happy New Year,I know it won't be same as it used to be for U guys but I'm sure Mithi from above also wants her parents to be happy always.

    Hugs & Smiles

  22. Thank you Spice ... i am good and loved your heartfelt concern here . You never have to think about where to post a comment as you can communicatw with me anywhere on my blogs.

    I am in Chennai right now and , staying for two weeks here ...surrounded with many creative people so this time was not as painful as i had imagined ...actually it has been a good time .

    Thank you for reading all my posts at once , i know it is very difficult to do so as going through such thoughts makes you really disturbed at times ....my heartfelt wishes for you and your loved ones too for the coming year as well as for the life to come....

  23. It has been such an emotional journey so far and I am glad to see that you did not stop here and there are more entries on this blog. I managed to live every single post with you. Merely reading it made me cry and shudder. You lived every moment of it. Your will to survive and your unshakable faith is mesmerizing.

  24. I realize from your Banaras picture that Mithi resembled you so much.

    1. You survived this post too Anita? Thank you and thank God you didn't get depressed. Yes she had a little similarity to me but she had inherited most of her features from Arvind...guess she was a good mix of both of us.

  25. Came here from Rajani's Blog!!! Read most of the posts, Felt your love, Felt Mithi, heard your song!!! Cannot stop crying now, still crying!!! :) Such a Strong Woman Sangeetha, lots to learn from you. Glad that i met you!!!

  26. Thank you Priya...Life makes us learn so much and grow up :-)

  27. I wept when reading this post. I do not know what to say.... I am too choked.