Wednesday, April 1, 2009

have been away from this blog for a long time now..........and yes it was mostly intentional........when everything becomes so convoluted in life, i tend to look around for something else......driving my mind away from the current situation..............is it escapism?? it may well be but it is my survival strategy right now..........or does it even qualify to be called a strategy........i actually end up behaving like this rather unconsciously...........and no, i am not at peace with myself...........increasingly now i feel like exhausted and drained........so much so that thinking about the problems makes my heart sink..........that is the reason i am drawn towards my food blogs like never before.....i have drafted so many posts there that the number of drafts has become as much as the posted ones...........keeping myself engaged is giving some relief........though the peace of mind is all gone................

being away from writing here was something like not being able to see eye to eye with my own self.......as if i do not relate with what my frame of mind is right now..........


i wrote these lines two weeks back and dint post as i felt it is a bit depressing ............and i never want to make any body feel like that...........never in my wildest dreams i would like to propagate this sinking feeling of mine .......especially to those who come here n read my blog..............but then i thought that i am writing this blog just to tell everybody to come out n survive the odds, how i am doing it myself.........so i would really want to tell here that hitting the bottom is the end of sinking.........after that you have to come up......as i am trying all the while............it takes a lot of ' maneuvering myself '........yes, and consciously so.........there are moments when i am deep drown into tears , but at the same time i know that it is 'me n myself' only who is going to change this..............whatever way......

yes i was kind of not able to make a dialogue with myself.......not writing here is like that.............now when i write this, there is this feeling that i have the courage to talk to myself........and whatever is coming to me right now , has to go away..........when my little angel is suffering like that .......my head spins off........heart sinking........n i completely loose track..............her recurrent fits, her inability to eat.......n most of all, that expression of her eyes
makes my heart wrench ........my limbs go numb and for a moment i forget where i am n what i am doing...........that frantic comforting act done to her is all done in a haze........almost mechanically.................but at the end of this i find myself diverting my mind to something else......sometimes stepping out into the garden or surfing the net aimlessly.........i find something or the other to make my mind think something else........then i am able to talk to mithi........about the song playing on the radio ........or what she wants to wear or how her nails are so beautiful.........she looks comfortable only when i am able to talk to her in a normal voice........she doesn't smile anymore...........my greatest disappointment, but even when she looks relieved i feel like my 'maneuvering act' is working...........

now i am relieved that i could write here ......it was like unburdening my mind..........more like a painful regurgitation , with a throbbing head..........but in the end it calms you down...............it has connected myself with me.........

4 comments:

  1. Dearest Sangeeta,
    I know that you are looking for support from those in a similar situation. My prayers are that you will soon find that. In the meantime, my heart aches for you and your daughter's daily struggles. For any parent that has a child with a life threatening illness, you are a beacon of hope. Such that hearing/reading your words may bring them comfort to know that they are not alone in their feelings. That their daily struggles are normal.

    If you do not mind, I would like to pray for you and your family. Pray for strength, perseverance, hope, and most importantly peace.

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  2. yes anonymous, my optimism is working for me........and thankyou for your prayers.

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  3. hi sangeeta... i really cannot express in words what i feel now.
    Till now i was thinking god has been unkind to me my mom has diabetics and suffering from kidney disease.. she is also in lot of pain due to all sorts of issues..
    i feel exactly like you.. Lost , low.but ur post have given me some strength .. my problem is very small as compared to what you are facing.

    Be Strong .. this too will pass.

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  4. Don't use such tough words "escapism" at least against yourself. You are the last one on the planet to be an escapist. It is a normal unique human quality to look for new things , that keep us alive...What we call, you are in the mode of " NOT ONLY I WILL DO this BUT ALSO I WILL DO THIS, THIS AND THIS...", You have to open as many windows as possible to make life breathe . Take it from me, what little I have come to know about you reading this blog...You will not only look after Mithi to your full satisfaction ,you will also cook (Baro-ta na bajie,) you will do cooking blog, this blog, go out etc etc , Have no doubt about that.

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