Someone was talking to me about being ambitious , about being a mother and not being able to spend time with the 4 year old child .
Why my parents made me so ambitious that i can't look beyond my career and spend time with my child . Even when i am home and the child wants to play with me i know i am thinking or planning something else when i should be playing whole heartedly with my child. All the workload descends on me whenever my child asks me to play with him and i get irritated and snap on him or just keep multitasking while playing with the son....the reason why i am concerned is that my son doesn't bond with me well and i feel he feels alienated . Also i am noticing that whenever i go to his room when he is alone , he gets startled and almost scared , as if he withdraws all his playful tentacles and encloses himself into a hard shell whenever i am close to him.....what to do ???
The mother looked harried and pale and shaken . The only sparkle of dimmest light came to her face when she talked about her ambition and what projects she is working on. Making it lucid , i repeat it was still a very dim sallow sparkle.
Does your ambition leads you to this state of mind ?
Playing with your child with your heart and soul in unison , you could be reviving your own energies too . A revived , energetic , happy companion is all a child needs . Not a hovering helicopter who instructs to do this and to do that too . Not at all a half hearted playmate.
You can make your life beautiful with a baby around . The innocence and candid laughter touches your soul and makes the life worth living .
Are you letting your ambition destroy your happiness , your life ?
Do you think your ambition is the sole solace of your life ?
I sound very harsh when i ask why do you need a child when you don't have the time to enjoy the childhood of your own kid . In the process you destroy the childhood of you own kid .
I am not against being ambitious and chasing your dreams .
If you dream about a professional position , does it mean you should not enjoy life ?
I would also want to ask a question about the ambition , the dream of making it big.
Is the ambition about making it big professionally or being happy and contented in life in general? About having a family and kids who love you and care for you , and you care for them.
You worked hard for your professional degrees and to rise . To the position you like.
You did absolutely nothing worthwhile to get married and to bear that child who is the biggest worry of your life today .
Bearing a child doesn't need any qualification or ambition , sadly.
Oh wait , there is a tendency to fit in the society by getting married and having children , you bear children because you want to look perfect.
Perfect.
Can you pick up the professional ambition and place it on a higher pedestal ?
Higher than the 'life' . The 'life' you so miss when the child is alienated from you and the family scene never happens even when you have decided to marry and have a family.
You chose your ambition and you chose to have a family . The ambition eats you up and the family becomes a punching bag . A refuse . An irritable entity in your life. A nagging reminder of the things to do list.
You expect your child to love you , come running to you happily when you come home and wrap his arms around you . Comfort you after work (smirk)....but your child is not doing all of that .... what is wrong with him.... how to make him straight??
Balance .
The child has the birthright to be nurtured . Nature is reminding you . Take notice.
Note : the thought was actually gnawing at my heart since i encountered this . The post has come out like a preaching tone . Excuse me for that . I got my slice of peace back after writing this....bash me if you don't agree ...i am ready to take it...
Why my parents made me so ambitious that i can't look beyond my career and spend time with my child . Even when i am home and the child wants to play with me i know i am thinking or planning something else when i should be playing whole heartedly with my child. All the workload descends on me whenever my child asks me to play with him and i get irritated and snap on him or just keep multitasking while playing with the son....the reason why i am concerned is that my son doesn't bond with me well and i feel he feels alienated . Also i am noticing that whenever i go to his room when he is alone , he gets startled and almost scared , as if he withdraws all his playful tentacles and encloses himself into a hard shell whenever i am close to him.....what to do ???
The mother looked harried and pale and shaken . The only sparkle of dimmest light came to her face when she talked about her ambition and what projects she is working on. Making it lucid , i repeat it was still a very dim sallow sparkle.
Does your ambition leads you to this state of mind ?
Playing with your child with your heart and soul in unison , you could be reviving your own energies too . A revived , energetic , happy companion is all a child needs . Not a hovering helicopter who instructs to do this and to do that too . Not at all a half hearted playmate.
You can make your life beautiful with a baby around . The innocence and candid laughter touches your soul and makes the life worth living .
Are you letting your ambition destroy your happiness , your life ?
Do you think your ambition is the sole solace of your life ?
I sound very harsh when i ask why do you need a child when you don't have the time to enjoy the childhood of your own kid . In the process you destroy the childhood of you own kid .
I am not against being ambitious and chasing your dreams .
If you dream about a professional position , does it mean you should not enjoy life ?
I would also want to ask a question about the ambition , the dream of making it big.
Is the ambition about making it big professionally or being happy and contented in life in general? About having a family and kids who love you and care for you , and you care for them.
You worked hard for your professional degrees and to rise . To the position you like.
You did absolutely nothing worthwhile to get married and to bear that child who is the biggest worry of your life today .
Bearing a child doesn't need any qualification or ambition , sadly.
Oh wait , there is a tendency to fit in the society by getting married and having children , you bear children because you want to look perfect.
Perfect.
Can you pick up the professional ambition and place it on a higher pedestal ?
Higher than the 'life' . The 'life' you so miss when the child is alienated from you and the family scene never happens even when you have decided to marry and have a family.
You chose your ambition and you chose to have a family . The ambition eats you up and the family becomes a punching bag . A refuse . An irritable entity in your life. A nagging reminder of the things to do list.
You expect your child to love you , come running to you happily when you come home and wrap his arms around you . Comfort you after work (smirk)....but your child is not doing all of that .... what is wrong with him.... how to make him straight??
Balance .
The child has the birthright to be nurtured . Nature is reminding you . Take notice.
Note : the thought was actually gnawing at my heart since i encountered this . The post has come out like a preaching tone . Excuse me for that . I got my slice of peace back after writing this....bash me if you don't agree ...i am ready to take it...
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Its…..DISGUSTING……. please excuse me for using such a harsh word.
ReplyDeleteThe word ‘ ambitious ‘ is wrongly perceived, I feel. It makes no sense to blame your parents to justify your incompetence.
To be a mother should be a conscious decision. Should not bear a child to prove to the society or people around. If one takes a conscious decision then there is no confusion and frustration.
There is nothing wrong in nurturing your profession, but then you should hold the decision of bearing a child (that’s if you cant do justice to both).
Whatever is coming to my mind after reading this para, Sangeeta has already put it all.
Indeed it is sad that there is no qualification needed for being a mother, which is one of the most important role of a woman’s life.
I feel a child comes to this earth because we want , the child doesn’t have an option, so under any circumstances we cant fool around with a child’s life. It’s a child’s birth right to get the best from the parents.
Only one positive thing I could see is The Mother has realized , and realization is important. Its all the more better if you can confront your child with your realization.
( this is a piece of advice from a mother who never bothered about her professional life even an iota, still a happy Mom……..so you can ignore this advice, if you wish so).
At least she is thinking on these lines. May be some day, i hope it is soon, she will strike a settlement. I agree. Children are so precious, so tender, they catch all your vibes.. These are not my words, my father was explaining the stuff to me. He was like, even when the kid is as small as 12-13 months old, s/he will catch any sort of tension in the household. Ages 2-3 are very crucial, s/he may start start getting into a shell if there are always clashes happening..i don't know, no kids. :) but when i have a few of my own, i hope with all my heart i do the best i can.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sangeeta for this post.
Yes, the mother has started thinking on the right track but there is a lot of confusion still , the one that bothers me is .... the child needs to be straitened . Most of the people think that there is something wrong in the child and something should be done ( or treated ) with the child. Our own behavioral pattern does not need any rectification ... our own insecurities are inherited by the child hence....
ReplyDeleteTapati, i know how difficult it is to strike a balance , we falter but we try and keep trying as it is an ongoing process..
Gauri, love you darling for such a mature thinking .. kids always sense more than we can . Being happy and working for the happiness n good vibes in the family is all we can do n it's not rocket science ....
you will be a wonderful mother i know ....
Dont know how good I am being a mother but I have known some people who do not want to conceive because it may shift their attention from their careers or profession..I really dont know if thats really a good choice .. and on other hand I have known people who have quit their professions just to be a simple homemaker so that they can spend time with their loved ones...I know striking a balance is difficult but it's not that impossible if you really wish to ...And you have put it so rightly Sangeeta..hugs and smiles
ReplyDeleteI agree that children do need a lot of time and attention, but that should not be seen as entirely the mother's responsibility or pleasure.
ReplyDeleteSince she does really love her job, and realises how it is affecting the child, maybe she needs some support, and some time management and planning, where the parents (and other care givers if there are any at home) make sure the child does get the loving care he deserves.
I agree IHM . It's not a mother's responsibility only but she can take a decision to choose . Choose to have children , choose to have a happier life and career needs not be sacrificed , in this case it's a 9-5 job and the kid goes to day boarding . He is happy otherwise with other people's company and it's only with the mother he is coiled n withdrawn like a clam. I am emphasizing on the fact if you take pleasure in your career and look at the kids like a burden you should choose wisely . Also , the child should not be expected to grow intelligent and disciplined on her own ...it needs a lot of emotional bonding and much more...
ReplyDeleteThere one more issue here , if the mother has no support system and say , lives on her own ....she can choose to play with the child when home and the house chores can be minimized , work delegated n food delivered .... you can't be a superwoman...you look haggard when you try this . And the child invariably picks it up , inherits your insecurities...
Its a really very sorry state of affairs when a parent is unable to connect with the child due to his or her own preoccupations. I hope this lady finds a balance soon. It is really not as difficult as it sounds.
ReplyDeleteWhatever your ambition, education, position, status, condition, situation or gender might be, no one can be excused from the responsibility of "parenting". This does not mean that the ambition has to be sacrificed altogether at the altar of parenthood, it surely needs to be evaluated and readjusted. A parent needs to assess his/her particular situation objectively regarding the availability and dependability of the support system, his/her own strengths, weaknesses and temperament as well as the specific needs of the particular child.
Very well summed up Amrita !!!
ReplyDeletewell everything has been said here by all you enlightened souls. Guilt has become part and parcel of working mothers life now, so it seems, even after delegations, sacrifices, compromises we are unable to strike a balance. Everytime we miss being with our child on important occassions just adds on to it. I think it needs lot of balancing act, lot of sensitivity and also being happy and positive about our life's circumstances goes into maintaining this equilibrium.
ReplyDeleteHi rekha...i know it is so difficult , but a priority has to be set for sure....and you can't be a superwoman .
ReplyDelete