aadatan bujhe se rahte hain

whenever i come here to write my ever wandering mind comes to a halt......a complete silence of thought ...silence because there are so many things to be said that all gets bottle necked and a silence prevails.....unnerving silence of my mind.....

i wonder how sometimes it is too tough to speak up.......and when you speak, it's another challenge to be heard........but the real tough job is to be understood correctly.......
there is one more challenge though....why should i bother to make people understand a few nonexistent problems.......the things you don't see, don't exist ..right??

that is the reason why i go into silence so easily...or conveniently........

aadatan bujhe se rahte hain....jalte rahte to khaak ho jaate....


but some incidents reignite the perpetual 'aag' in me...........some people never fail to hurt the already suffering .......bluntly ...but accurately....with a regular frequency at that.....

if you are wondering what i am talking ....hold on........in my last post i was talking about what not to do with patients and their caregivers.........it has been 6 years that i have been seeing such people and there have been times when i have made it clear that enough is enough...but you know, sometimes you have to follow the " respect to elders n love to younger ones " to the T.......then my policy is straight face formality.........what i am bothered is...not that i am hurt all the time ...but i loose respect for those people...and this is an ongoing process.....i find that i don't find anybody who i can respect or even be genuinely nice with....and this is certainly not a good feeling...

 I visited one of my neighbors a few days back....the uncle is under treatment for a paralytic attack and the family ..ie..wife and three children are taking good care of him.......i was actually infuriated at the behavior of some well wishers ......can you believe one of the kind ladies brings a small ( actually the smallest of the bottle guards available in the market) bottle guard and instructs that ..inko lauki ki sabzi khilao fayeda karegi....ab sewa karne se kya fayeda pahle roka hota...( the uncle has been a long standing alcoholic , trying for a successful rehab).....that's the thing which ignites me from within....in a situation where help is required , somebody comes and blows away all your efforts.......efforts of the caregivers , and the efforts of the recovering person.....i have seen Mithi getting extremely uncomfortable whenever some people are talking nonsense around her and she visibly takes a sigh of relief when they are gone.....

many a times i have been told not to listen to such advices and go on doing what i think is right.........yes that's right.....that's why i say that being understood correctly is a problem here........may be i have learnt to be firm ( in denying charity) and  to be able to convey that i am not going to tolerate any nonsense about my baby..........but when i see another sentimental and vulnerable person being subjected to such ridicule, i feel it's happening to me all over again n i can't help it.......it may sound like an eternal rant but there are some issues which you feel very strongly about ....and this is one such issue for me.

i think it stems from the age old belief that you might have done something wrong ( some PAAP ) in your life or even in your earlier janam ( pichhle janam ka paap) that you have to suffer........led by that belief people see the patient as some sajayafta,a subject of penance....as if the victim's sufferings are rightful......like apne paap ka fal bhugat rahe hain............. why don't these people see reason.............what paap the riot and terrorist attack victims have done to suffer and what punya the terrorists and their masterminds are doing to execute what they plan............

what paap a small child has done to suffer from a congenital disorder that cripples her life???

what i have learnt during all these years.....and think that every person caught up in difficult times should be able to understand....sooner or later......do not consider yourself as a victim ( though you feel like a handicapped most of the times) and do not indulge in self pity.....the moment you count upon your strengths , you become empowered .......all the limitations and handicaps make you differently able.....your thinking evolves to the levels you can't even imagine...........it may be slow but make it steady..............it has worked for me.......

these questions may be nonexistent for some people , i wouldn't say they are lucky , because i feel if we have the nerves to understand things around us, the things happening to other people around us, it helps our own self in growing up ( which i feel is an ongoing process regardless of age)....if i talk about myself.....i have stopped paying heed to such things long back in my own life, there are other issues which need my attention.......Mithi needs me so much by her side.......the question still haunts me why an innocent soul has to suffer so much.....the priority is towards keeping her happy even though she is in disgusting pain and embarrassment........it may sound strange but  as her intelligence is not affected in the condition she is suffering from, she really feels embarrassed when she sees that mama has to clean her sheets repeatedly sometimes and it becomes extremely messy and smelly sometimes........the embarrassment is very visible on her face even if a single muscle does not move........i have to ensure i cuddle her up after cleaning the things n kiss her n tell her it happens with everybody ( i tell her kabhi kabhi mama ko bhi loose motion hota hai to badbu aati hai...papa ko bhi hota hai...koi baat nahi ab theek ho jayega)........

i wonder when a 8 yr old with no exposure to outside world can understand the feelings , why grown ups seeing the world with eyes wide open become blind........

a post by IHM on Who gave you your thoughts   moved me to this space and i finished this half written post which was waiting in the drafts for long time........thankyou, IHM for bringing me back to home...alone.:)

.....for the things which have influenced me, i'll write my next post , hopefully very soon as it has been a subject of my ever wondering mind many a times........my post the banana seller also discusses the same things....