A big thanks to all of you

Sometimes it is so difficult to pen down what you are thinking , when the changes in life are such magnanimous that you need to reset you circadian rhythm , you feel lost and disoriented ...sitting quietly for hours and wandering what to do next.........it is just so difficult to accept life as it comes....however you prepare your mind and however you train your mental faculties....

Last time when i wrote those words ...it was painful , more so because i was stopping myself from crying all the while but i cried uncontrollably after writing the most difficult words of my life....how strange it was, i preserved all my strength while Mithi was going , i held both her hands and felt her pulse fainting ...i was calm ...was talking to her , telling her to be happy and that i loved her........i felt her forehead getting cold slowly........yet i had the hope that she will revive, as she had earlier a few times ....rushed her to the hospital as we had done a couple of times before....but this time she knew she cant fight any more as her energy was drained and her muscles could not cooperate.....

It has been over two months since then and though i feel like bringing my life back to track , the track seems to be lost.............after about a decade it feels like we have come back to the point where we started together....just after our marriage we were together after a turbulent time ( the time our parents took to come to terms with an unconventional marriage) ...and here we are after another turbulent phase of our life.....this time with much less energy level though , something we will have to work upon ASAP........what is peculiar in both these phases of life is , it feels like something very integral to us has been snatched away and we are set free ..........a decade back , it was an illusion of happiness and this time it seems like an illusion of sadness.......i can't say i am sad as i wanted this to happen but my heart sinks .........so many times a day........

It feels very strange that i was prepared to let her go and yet was hoping against hope at the same time.........while i was praying to God to take her in His lap , i was not ready to let go of the connection i had with her , the way she used to communicate with her eyes .....that is one thing i am going to miss all my life........all those years whenever we held her hands to comfort her , it was she who was comforting us ( me and Arvind ) indeed , the realization is sinking slowly in my consciousness that the soft touch of her hands against my hands and the gentle mumble i could hear whenever i placed my cheeks against her's , was so comforting and reassuring that it can never be replaced with anything in the world........

Over the years i had prepared myself and trained my mind towards accepting whatever comes in my life as it is.........arduous it was , especially in such trying times and without a so called support system.......i became isolated because it hurt when somebody looked at her with a sheer despair , but it was the time i realized that i had to be a rock , that i had to relearn a few things about life and that Mithi will be a happy child no matter what the world thinks about her..........

A happy child.......children are all happy , God has created them happy and to spread happiness around ...it is the elders who snatch away the happiness in them........when we compare them with the so called bright child , fairer child , healthier child and so on.......that is the time when the child starts realizing that she has to become good by the parameters fixed by the elders ( who themselves may be losers by all means ) ...and the happiness which was once a part of being a child is faded away as the child starts recognizing and connecting with the world around her.....

I wanted Mithi to be in her own realm and to know that whatever the world says she will be the apple of her mama's eyes and that she is capable of doing something which nobody else can do..............Mithi always believed my words when i said that she is the best ( Mithi sabse achha bachha hai ) i could see her face gleam whenever i told her such things............i know in my heart that she was really a good girl .... and , most importantly a complete child for a parent ......... it may sound strange to many , but we don't feel like bringing another child to our life .....she gave us all of the positive growth a child can give to parents and she bore all the pains herself..........

I just can't stop talking about Mithi as i can't stop missing her ......

The purpose of my post today is to thank all my readers and friends who connected with me in this difficult time , it meant a lot for me and it will certainly help me move on with life...........it is so humbling to know that so many people felt for us and lent a hand with a smile .... i feel gratitude towards God to have sent so many nice people my way.........

In the next post i promise i will sound happier and full of life .....it is such a paradox that life is so lively even when there is pain and when we are happy we tend to forget all about life and it's intricacies..........

We went for a short trip to the shrine of Vaishno devi and came back feeling a lot better ...... will write about that in the next post and happiness is promised.......

Thank you all............