fumbling with the words ....... finding my way.....

It has been almost 9 months since Mithi decided to go quietly . Probably it was someone up there who decided to call the little angel back home but it was the little angel herself who decided to leave so quietly , without a fuss and without causing a louder shock. She took care of her parents and took care not to bother any other people who might have found difficult to deal with it...

I always felt that i was prepared for her to let go but now i feel how wrong i was ... It was just that i could not see her bearing all the pain and wanted her pain to vanish even if it meant her life . Parting with my little angel has been like a loss i never had imagined , ever.  I want that little Mithi back who played with my hair and pinched my lips indicating me to sing for her , who was so content with her mama's hug that even the mama felt like having the world in her arms.... that world is lost , for ever..

As the clouds refuse to go and the temperatures are changing , my heart sinks to think of all those adjustments we had to do to make her comfortable in the changing weather . How i used to lift her on my shoulders and walk her in the house or in the garden ... mithi ghumne jayegi  were the words she could be happy with , her neck resting on my left shoulder and her limp legs dangling below my knee , her left arm around my neck , palms resting on my right shoulder .........how i want to hold her like that.... even like that , even when this was the last thing a mother would want to record her child's growth by how far her feet reach down my legs when i lift her on my shoulders....she was growing bigger..she had been a healthy chubby child but she had become very thin and just a skeleton in her last days......cannot forget the last time i held her , as if she had no weight and felt like a senescent leaf on my shoulders .....

She was the center of my universe for the last 9 years . I never wanted to know anything other than her medical condition , her feeding  , her bed to avoid any bed sores , her brushing and flossing teeth , sponging , bathing , combing ....... she had long braids just 3 months before she died . I snipped her hair myself as it was getting tangled and it took longer to shampoo .... I was so into that universe that i find the world outside very very different . These 9 years has been a time when the world has changed a lot and imagine a person who has been cut off from the world for that long...i had never seen a multiplex for instance . I feel lost . I feel lost in the outside world and i feel lost in the house as well , not knowing what to do without her.....

I thought i am a fairly strong person and wanted to manage it well , so well that i remember that i found myself consoling other people a few times... i changed topic when someone came to sympathize and i consoled every single person who broke down talking to me about her . I was wrong , the grief was waiting from the margins ...to take it's grip on me , to consume me.  I try and distract my mind a hundred times and yet it comes back . I pose for happy pictures and talk cheerful things so that nobody talks to me about her and the sense of loss is right there in my heart . It swells up as soon as i take my eyes away from the computer screen , or a book or the nth number of half done knitting or crocheting project . My eyes burning , head throbbing and the heart swelling up to choke me . I never felt so week in my life .... the time when her condition was diagnosed was the time when i was a worried mother , i cried a lot thinking what is going to happen .........but now it feels like questioning myself about what is left ....

I know i have to get out of it and i am working towards it . Writing these words is actually the process of working towards moving on.........i know i have to start afresh .

The difficult time when i was acting strong and yet feeling like a dump of clay is over . Still when i read IHM's blog and see her grief , all of that is revived with full force and how i used to feel ... i know there is no right or wrong way to grieve , there is nothing you must or must not do as you have no control over your emotions and  the delirious mind can lead you to utter depression . There are flashes of moments when you realize that still there is life ahead but you are so lost you never seem to know how to handle..

In the initial days , it felt like my physical self had liquidized , and i wanted to evaporate somewhere and yet at the same time there was a realization that i have to resurrect . Resurrect with a tougher material . I really felt like being in a liquid state for a very long time , as if my body was not a part of me , no appendages and no skin ...there was really no sensation of a physical being . The mind was working overtime , a throbbing head was the only part of body alive ..... new folds of the brain were being analyzed , whats and whys  and what should have been and then a delirium...........i could feel a hurried breathing and would be up to reach her for she needed me .... realizing instantly she was not here .

For an instant i would realize the physical presence of my hands as i would feel the warmth of those little hands , and then my hands would be empty ...but the touch of her skin still there...i could feel her breath on my cheeks and could not kiss her ...that's when i would feel a huge hollow consuming me from inside . A hollow stuck in my throat , another claiming my heart ............and i really wanted to evaporate...... and yet somewhere there was a sense that i have to resurrect with a tougher material , a tougher skin , tougher bones to stand up and a tougher grip to hold on what was left .....

It feels like it was just a moment ago when it happened ...... and sometimes it feels like it was ages ago .... the delirium of the mind continues in episodes and between those episodes there is a strong will towards getting up and start afresh .........it has taken time and i know it will take some more time to be able to find the right things to be done the right way.....

I found a book in the library , i often feel that the books sometimes find me instead of it being the other way  , this time it seems i have willed the book towards me .......... I had never heard about the book or the author and a black paperback caught my eyes ...The Knitting Circle by Ann Hood . She lost her 5 year old daughter to meningitis , suddenly , without a warning . And like me and like all of us she had other issues in life too to handle and it felt like she was loosing everything she had after the demise of her daughter . Her mother leads her towards joining a knitting club and she realizes after a while that we all have to learn to face our loss and our past in order to move on .

I kept crying while reading the book and Arvind was puzzled what is happening , i kept on reading the book and telling him the story and the sentiments woven into it .......... i must say the book has definitely helped me accept my loss , to an extent , it is an ongoing journey and i will have to work towards it continuously i know . I am already working hard towards it . You have to read my cheerful posts on the food blogs i write to believe this.

Are you still with me ?? still reading the weighing down words ?? 
Thank you . I had written this post some time back but never posted as i felt that i should not burden my readers with an emotionally plummeting account of my heart , but when i read this book it felt like it may lead someone else to unclog their own bottle necked emotions , like plopping up the cork and let go of the fizz .....the trapped energy which needs to be let loose must be let loose .... as i was having a word with IHM . Talking about what i feel was important and i was not finding words...i hope now it will be possible to have a way with all those painful words....may be i will be able to convert them into a soothing lotion....

I suggest this book to everybody who wants to help themselves with any kind of emotional bottleneck , any kind of disturbing past or any kind of loss . I have always felt that working with your hands is a good way to give a way to your energies , i have written about it here , any craft which needs your mind to concentrate and your hands work in a rhythmic manner . Many people find it old fashioned , but nothing is old fashioned if it gives you a sense of creation and peace of mind ..... time is not a factor as even if you do it for 10 minutes in the midnight you will feel how it works for you.... "The Knitting Circle" will give you thousand reasons to get started with knitting but you know your own reasons and your own crafts to start with.

Thank you Dear Reader for being with me all this while.....I needed a dialogue here , an honest one ..... posing for happy pictures has not helped and now it was time for an honest confession of being a weak heart ... as they say the heart breaks but it still beats .... can i make the heart beat to my own tune.......ooohh....

Ann Hood says she knits her love for her daughter everyday .... I have lost faith in prayers for now but i have immense faith in love and in the will of the mind....

the eternal beauty of 'subah-e-banaras'.................

Benaras is famous for it's sunrise by the Ganges .

There is a perfect horizon , bordered with water .

flowing water .

The ancient ghats in the opposite side of the sunrise is a perfect backdrop .....the earthy colors of the ghats complement very well with the water , the sun and everything that follows a sunrise........a golden sheen covering everything in sight .....a perfect way to welcome a new day in your life.......

The waters turn to molten gold and it's just ethereal........

 The ghats are ancient , and most of the buildings are ancient too.......some of them are painted brightly and that looks surprisingly good with the rustic sandstone ghats..............

You get to see how so many different kind of people start their day , the pandas ( the brahmins who facilitate prayers for you in almost all the holy places in our country ) arranging their chhatri ...........

This panda we saw brought the chhatri ( Umbrella like canopy ) from somewhere else and fixed it on the axis .....then we saw he brought another chhatri and fixed that one too..........

On the wooden platform where he sits and waits for the people to come after taking the holy dip in the Ganges ....... his chowki ( the wooden platform ) is complete with all the necessary paraphernalia for a puja .....chandan , pani  , aachmani and the mouli ( holy red thread ) he ties on your hands indicating it's time to pay.......

He calls one and all and lures everybody  to do the prayers with him.........at lower dakshina ( fees for the prayers )........ you have to buy your blessings and the panda will help you out ........a facilitator ............

Okay .... you see other things too.......foreign tourists going for boat ride .......

Somebody sleeping like this is the best place to a good night's sleep.......

People brushing their teeth with neem datun , taking a dip in the ganges and then a small prayer , sometimes a loud rhythmic enchanting of mantras.......not everybody has to buy those blessings , you can always have your own way with God ..........

The air feels resonant with humming chants , ringing bells and flowing water and suddenly the quack quack of these ducks ......

You turn and they seem to be asking you something.........food....do you have some ????

These ducks can be seen on Dr. Rajenda Prasad ghaat and they are very friendly........we didn't have any food for them so we had to move away ......to the boatman.....it's time to drift into the waters........

Once you are in the boat you can see the beauty of the ghaats ..........unperturbed by the pandas and the people trying to rub off all the sins into the Ganges and to start afresh for newer sins.........you just see the ascending peaks of mandirs and the waving flags ....... peaceful and serene........

I like the randomly floating boats and always end up clicking the pictures just for the boats.......kids do their swimming practice and you can spot as young as 3 year kids ..........

These chhatris on the ghats are a symbol of banaras ............

Some royal families built palaces by the banks..........now being refurbished as luxory hotels , as we were told by the boat man .........

Sunrise is wonderful............the sun peeps through the clouds ...........

And then comes out in the open..............

The oars keep moving as the waters change color every minute.............

The boat man wants to click our pic.......and in a couple of trials he succeeds ....

This was a boat ride after 12 long years..........we used to go for boating very often during our courtship days ...........it was great to be there again............our perspectives change and we see the world differently .... and it was definitely different this time.......

Happier.

with my niece

That's me with the baby daughter of my sister ....i used to bathe her daily and taught my sister how to bathe her .......this pic is just after her bath n she is still annoyed with all the soap n shampoo........:)

isn't she cute ???

i had promised happiness ....:)

no i didn't stop ........ it's just that i didn't communicate......i am back..

 I am back with a few good things to share......... and a loss that i felt very very deeply but could restore cuz i had so many good things going..............with a positive mind ........................

I wrote about not stopping and making my way through the caverns and yet i was caught up in the caverns of time , a little time for introspection was all i had planned , but as it turns out ........you stop , you ponder and you see that you have to turn abruptly to something unimagined ....something which pricks your heart at the most sensitive parts and you still need to carry on with the 'other' things in life ......some of those 'other' things make your heart fill up with hope and anticipation too.....

I lost someone very dear to me . She was a friend , philosopher and guide to me .....she was actually my research guide in the university to start with .......but gradually our friendship grew strong and she became a prominent mother figure in my life . She was such a benevolent soul that many of us found her as a source of inspiration ..... i believe that i could grow up to become a better person because of her presence in my life ....... nothing more , nothing less....

Her last few days were heartrendingly painful and it was agonizing to see her in that state , she did not deserve this kind of anguish and distress ......we were praying for her relief and finally her beautiful soul was free from the worldly agony .....

I feel her presence with me when i remember all those beautiful moments we spent together , all those thoughts and feelings we shared and every single thing that i learnt from her...

She introduced me to the street food of Banaras and to the galis ( narrow lanes ) of old Banaras ....her memories will be a well cherished treasure for me.

I identify her with an invigorating sunrise ........ this picture is the ' subah-e-banaras ' as seen from the Rajendra Prasad ghat ....the golden lights of sun illuminating everything as some children are skating on the platform .......as if life goes on ...

We were in Banaras for about 2 weeks and visited the ghats in the mornings to watch the sunrise , it's beautiful to be there in the morning as you witness the oldest surviving city of the world soaking the freshness of a new day .......

After the Banaras trip i was with my younger sister who is blessed with a baby girl .......it was literally a transition for my mind , being with a new born baby is an experience to cherish , an experience beyond the power of words ........

I made two woolen dresses for the baby girl while i was there ......... it feels so good to work with a hook to create something this pretty........this one took me two days to complete.........

A closer look if somebody wants to make it .........simple and easy crocheting , i did not follow any pattern and just went on instinctively , i had made these for Mithi too long time back and it felt really good to make it again.....

The frill.....

 The other one is a red dress with shells .........

Closer look at the shells........

And the neck , starting point of the dress....this one was completed in a day's work..............

And i made red booties with pom poms to match.......

The booties match both the dresses beautifully.......

Don't you feel that babies bring a fresh and serene energy with them , nobody can remain untouched by a baby's charm .........

नदी रूकती नहीं ......

जब भी ज़िन्दगी की बल खाती राह के बारे में सोचा , हर बार एक नदी का ख्याल आया !
कई बार लगा कि हर मोड़ पे मंज़र बदल जाना , नए नए मोड़ आना , रुक जाना फिर चल पड़ना ,
बिलकुल एक नदी की तरह !
कभी तेज़ बहाव , कभी ठहराव ,
कभी पत्थरों के बीच से राह बनाना , और कभी गहरी खायी में गुम हो जाना ,
फिर से निकल आना एक नए रास्ते की ओर , फिर चल पड़ना !!
रुकने की कोई राह ही नहीं , जहाँ रुकी वहीँ पानी गन्दला जाना ,
जैसे दिल्ली की जमुना , जिसका कोई पता नहीं किधर से आना है किधर को जाना !!
बस यहीं पहुँच कर लगा कि रुकना नहीं है ,
पत्थरों के बीच रास्ता होगा तो सही ,
पत्थर कब रोक पाए हैं नदी का बहाव , दिशा तो बदल सकते हैं ये ,
बहाव रोक देने की ताकत उनमे है ही नहीं !!

अपनत्व के ब्लॉग पर हिंदी कविता पढ़ती थी तो हर बार हिंदी में लिखने कि इच्छा होती थी , अच्छा न सही सच्चा है जो भी लिखा है मैंने !!
बहुत उत्सुकता रहेगी ये जानने की कि कैसा लगा आप सब को !


बहुत बार नदी के बारे में सोचा और लिखने बैठी तो एक बार में ही इतना निकल आया , थोडा और पढ़िए......

नदी जब निकलती है पहाड़ो के बीच से ,
कितना वेग , कितना साहस , कितना विश्वास ,
जैसे कोई फ़िक्र नहीं , बस दौड़ते जाना है ,
अपनी मंजिल की ओर ,
मंजिल भी वो , जिसका कोई पता नहीं !
मैदानों में आ कर कैसे गंभीर हो जाती है वो ,
जैसे सब कुछ जान लिया है , अनुभव पा लिए हैं ज़िन्दगी के ,
और अपने किनारों को समृद्ध कर जाती है वो ,
अपने अनुभव बांटती जाती है ,
पर वेग कम और कम होता जाता है ,
जैसे जैसे गहराई बढती है , पानी बढ़ता है ,
नदी की ताकत बढती है ,
पर उसका वेग कम हो जाता है ,
जैसे उसे समझ आ गयी हो ,
गंभीरता और धीरता आ गयी हो !
पर आगे तो बढ़ना है उसे ,
धीरे धीरे शायद उसका पानी बंट जाए ,
धाराएँ बिखर जाए , और सागर तक न पहुच पायें ,
फिर भी नदी अपने किनारों को दे जाती है वो पहचान ,
अपने होने के वो अमिट निशान ,
कि सब उसे देखने पहुँच ही जाते हैं ,
चाहे वो गंगोत्री हो या फिर सुंदरवन
या फिर केरल के backwaters आलीशान !!
बस दिल्ली की जमुना ही नहीं देखने जाता कोई ,
गला जो घोंट दिया है उसका इस शहर ने!!

A big thanks to all of you

Sometimes it is so difficult to pen down what you are thinking , when the changes in life are such magnanimous that you need to reset you circadian rhythm , you feel lost and disoriented ...sitting quietly for hours and wandering what to do next.........it is just so difficult to accept life as it comes....however you prepare your mind and however you train your mental faculties....

Last time when i wrote those words ...it was painful , more so because i was stopping myself from crying all the while but i cried uncontrollably after writing the most difficult words of my life....how strange it was, i preserved all my strength while Mithi was going , i held both her hands and felt her pulse fainting ...i was calm ...was talking to her , telling her to be happy and that i loved her........i felt her forehead getting cold slowly........yet i had the hope that she will revive, as she had earlier a few times ....rushed her to the hospital as we had done a couple of times before....but this time she knew she cant fight any more as her energy was drained and her muscles could not cooperate.....

It has been over two months since then and though i feel like bringing my life back to track , the track seems to be lost.............after about a decade it feels like we have come back to the point where we started together....just after our marriage we were together after a turbulent time ( the time our parents took to come to terms with an unconventional marriage) ...and here we are after another turbulent phase of our life.....this time with much less energy level though , something we will have to work upon ASAP........what is peculiar in both these phases of life is , it feels like something very integral to us has been snatched away and we are set free ..........a decade back , it was an illusion of happiness and this time it seems like an illusion of sadness.......i can't say i am sad as i wanted this to happen but my heart sinks .........so many times a day........

It feels very strange that i was prepared to let her go and yet was hoping against hope at the same time.........while i was praying to God to take her in His lap , i was not ready to let go of the connection i had with her , the way she used to communicate with her eyes .....that is one thing i am going to miss all my life........all those years whenever we held her hands to comfort her , it was she who was comforting us ( me and Arvind ) indeed , the realization is sinking slowly in my consciousness that the soft touch of her hands against my hands and the gentle mumble i could hear whenever i placed my cheeks against her's , was so comforting and reassuring that it can never be replaced with anything in the world........

Over the years i had prepared myself and trained my mind towards accepting whatever comes in my life as it is.........arduous it was , especially in such trying times and without a so called support system.......i became isolated because it hurt when somebody looked at her with a sheer despair , but it was the time i realized that i had to be a rock , that i had to relearn a few things about life and that Mithi will be a happy child no matter what the world thinks about her..........

A happy child.......children are all happy , God has created them happy and to spread happiness around ...it is the elders who snatch away the happiness in them........when we compare them with the so called bright child , fairer child , healthier child and so on.......that is the time when the child starts realizing that she has to become good by the parameters fixed by the elders ( who themselves may be losers by all means ) ...and the happiness which was once a part of being a child is faded away as the child starts recognizing and connecting with the world around her.....

I wanted Mithi to be in her own realm and to know that whatever the world says she will be the apple of her mama's eyes and that she is capable of doing something which nobody else can do..............Mithi always believed my words when i said that she is the best ( Mithi sabse achha bachha hai ) i could see her face gleam whenever i told her such things............i know in my heart that she was really a good girl .... and , most importantly a complete child for a parent ......... it may sound strange to many , but we don't feel like bringing another child to our life .....she gave us all of the positive growth a child can give to parents and she bore all the pains herself..........

I just can't stop talking about Mithi as i can't stop missing her ......

The purpose of my post today is to thank all my readers and friends who connected with me in this difficult time , it meant a lot for me and it will certainly help me move on with life...........it is so humbling to know that so many people felt for us and lent a hand with a smile .... i feel gratitude towards God to have sent so many nice people my way.........

In the next post i promise i will sound happier and full of life .....it is such a paradox that life is so lively even when there is pain and when we are happy we tend to forget all about life and it's intricacies..........

We went for a short trip to the shrine of Vaishno devi and came back feeling a lot better ...... will write about that in the next post and happiness is promised.......

Thank you all............

the angel has been called home

I have to tell my readers about the huge loss in my life .........

Mithi is no more with us in this world....

She breathed her last on the 31st of Dec....

Her last moments were not as painful as the rest of her life..

She wanted to go silently it seems , she could understand my voice and my touch till the last .... i hope she is happy now.

 I am feeling a huge vacuum in my life , even though i had been praying God to give her freedom from the pain ....my prayers were answered and still my heart aches ... and refuses to believe she is not around.....

I know i will never be able to touch her , to kiss her and to take her in my arms..........but she is in my heart n my soul......she is a part of my flesh n blood now.....she will be there in whatever i do in life...

I thank all of you friends for including Mithi in your prayers....she is the Angel who touched our lives and our hearts.....i believe it was for a purpose.

small little things to be happy

However busy i am , i can find ways to be happy........ each day a new happiness .....big or small , happiness has no measure and i always believe that when i have decided to think positive and work towards it , nobody can stop me .....the initiative towards the actual working may get postponed , delayed or disturbed ....if it's on my mind , i shall do it ...sooner or later..

Many a times i have discussed it with my friends that if you are engaged in something requiring manual skill....working with your hands in a rhythmic manner , it relieves you of your stress . Think of playing a musical instrument , painting , pottery ,  knitting or any kind of needlecraft , molding something to create a new form....it fills you up with a sense of achievement , a sense of control and above all a sense of happiness.......a very infectious happiness , because when you are happy , you receive more smiles .simply because you spread more smiles...........

I like doing many things , depending on my whims .............and depending on what the day to day routine allows me to do....i went for shopping yesterday and after returning , was obviously exhausted ...had to feed Mithi and to cook for ourselves too...and had to watch the finale of Big Boss too....after preparing Mithi's food n feeding her n doing a few more chores i just looked at an empty carton of darjeeling tea ( which i had kept for making a medicine box to be placed on the dining table......i keep forgetting my medicines and it has to be kept in the most frequented place as a visible reminder ) ...............checked out the threads n needle and a few denim scraps i keep stashing into a bag every time we buy a new jeans and it's length is altered............
i just sat with it for the next hour watching the Big Boss finale.......cutting pieces from the scraps , threading the needle and piercing the hard fabric with my cracked fingers....it hurts in winters you know....:)

I realised the time when Arvind said he is feeling hungry n if i had cooked the dinner ........ i hurried to finish the medicine box and got up to prepare a quick dinner later ..........

The final product was not a very fancy and neat piece but it made me incredibly happy....i had done something like this after years , especially this quick.....i have been in a habit to finish a painting or a craft piece in one sitting ( sometimes it used to be several hours for a sitting ) just acting on a whim ....it worked for me always and it worked this time too.........see how it looks .....i placed a flower pot with my garden's red chrysanthemums in it for the pictures..........

and here it is with my medicines.............

posing with a pot of cactus...the cactus is planted in a coconut shell to fit in this beautiful bamboo basket , i love all handmade things.......

and here it goes to be placed where it was meant to be.....

Since it was done in just one hour , you will see a lack of finesse and i am showing you the seems too........

just in case you want to make it yourself..........

The crochet doily which can be seen in the background , is made by my maid , who was a pretty teenage girl and i taught her the school subjects as well as the crafts i knew ..... she made many woolens for herself and her family at my place and this doily she made for me ...... i discovered this in a forgotten carton where it was stashed to protect some glassware during our last transfer , which was opened to search something we needed ......... i am using this piece on my dining table these days and it is featuring in some of my food photographs too.........

Three reasons to be happy in this post ......plants can make me happy any day !!!

melt and mingle

I have been silent on this space for a long time , it's nothing new as i have been doing it quite regularly...
.....................i post something and then go into silence here......

Just think about a hyperactive mind , it just goes on thinking and blabbering so many things at the same time but it looses touch with it's own heart for a while....consciously . Consciously , because it is the heart which is prone to aches and hurts and wrenches , you know what i mean , the mind can train itself to be straight , to be strong and to be steady ...what do you do with your heart ???

The heart still skips a beat , still longs for something which can't be granted , still cries in solitude , and still hopes for the unachievable .....all this while the mind knows what it has to do and how !!!!

Homealone is where my heart is ....and my heart is not steady....i am trying to focus my mind here but the heart resurrects and directs me the right way .........yes after all the effort , it was my heart which brought me here n not the stupid mind....

There are many people who have been concerned about Mithi's well being and have been asking me about that ( especially those people who are in touch with me through this blog only ) , i owed a blog post for their sake ....thanks a ton to all of you to make me feel connected and cared for .

Mithi has not been well and in the last three months since i posted here , she has lost weight and her general condition has deteriorated some more , her scoliosis has worsened , her limbs more distorted  .... but after hearing all this , you will be happy to hear that her spirit has not been dimmed a little bit ...she started getting her teeth flossed as her momma thought she needs it now ...i thought initially that she may not like it but when i told her that mithi will feel good with fresh n shiny teeth she knew she has to do it , and she gets it done patiently everyday ......... have you seen any 8 year old being so obedient ??

Somebody said that i opened a window to the outside world by deciding to blog about my things , yes , this window has been a beautiful one.....i can see all the greenery outside , the blue sky and the gentle breeze .....i am getting so many positive influences in my life through this window .

My heart wants to thank all those people who have come up with great advices , concerns and most importantly love ( the driving force of mankind ) ....God has been kind to me to send some great people in my life....He is sending some more great people towards me through his window..........Thank you God for this ...

All the people who connect with me here on ' homealone ' are not just encouraging me ( believe me it is not a question of encouragement for me ) .... it is like a feeling of being the same ....all of us are the same at the end of the day......frozen in our own bubbles .....it's only when we extend our hand to touch others, we know that it's the same.........the same feelings and the same emotions...the lesser fortunate people are not aliens....the heart is the same , and you know , however frozen it is , the heart can melt and mingle ......... that powers me ...and you too....

aadatan bujhe se rahte hain

whenever i come here to write my ever wandering mind comes to a halt......a complete silence of thought ...silence because there are so many things to be said that all gets bottle necked and a silence prevails.....unnerving silence of my mind.....

i wonder how sometimes it is too tough to speak up.......and when you speak, it's another challenge to be heard........but the real tough job is to be understood correctly.......
there is one more challenge though....why should i bother to make people understand a few nonexistent problems.......the things you don't see, don't exist ..right??

that is the reason why i go into silence so easily...or conveniently........

aadatan bujhe se rahte hain....jalte rahte to khaak ho jaate....


but some incidents reignite the perpetual 'aag' in me...........some people never fail to hurt the already suffering .......bluntly ...but accurately....with a regular frequency at that.....

if you are wondering what i am talking ....hold on........in my last post i was talking about what not to do with patients and their caregivers.........it has been 6 years that i have been seeing such people and there have been times when i have made it clear that enough is enough...but you know, sometimes you have to follow the " respect to elders n love to younger ones " to the T.......then my policy is straight face formality.........what i am bothered is...not that i am hurt all the time ...but i loose respect for those people...and this is an ongoing process.....i find that i don't find anybody who i can respect or even be genuinely nice with....and this is certainly not a good feeling...

 I visited one of my neighbors a few days back....the uncle is under treatment for a paralytic attack and the family ..ie..wife and three children are taking good care of him.......i was actually infuriated at the behavior of some well wishers ......can you believe one of the kind ladies brings a small ( actually the smallest of the bottle guards available in the market) bottle guard and instructs that ..inko lauki ki sabzi khilao fayeda karegi....ab sewa karne se kya fayeda pahle roka hota...( the uncle has been a long standing alcoholic , trying for a successful rehab).....that's the thing which ignites me from within....in a situation where help is required , somebody comes and blows away all your efforts.......efforts of the caregivers , and the efforts of the recovering person.....i have seen Mithi getting extremely uncomfortable whenever some people are talking nonsense around her and she visibly takes a sigh of relief when they are gone.....

many a times i have been told not to listen to such advices and go on doing what i think is right.........yes that's right.....that's why i say that being understood correctly is a problem here........may be i have learnt to be firm ( in denying charity) and  to be able to convey that i am not going to tolerate any nonsense about my baby..........but when i see another sentimental and vulnerable person being subjected to such ridicule, i feel it's happening to me all over again n i can't help it.......it may sound like an eternal rant but there are some issues which you feel very strongly about ....and this is one such issue for me.

i think it stems from the age old belief that you might have done something wrong ( some PAAP ) in your life or even in your earlier janam ( pichhle janam ka paap) that you have to suffer........led by that belief people see the patient as some sajayafta,a subject of penance....as if the victim's sufferings are rightful......like apne paap ka fal bhugat rahe hain............. why don't these people see reason.............what paap the riot and terrorist attack victims have done to suffer and what punya the terrorists and their masterminds are doing to execute what they plan............

what paap a small child has done to suffer from a congenital disorder that cripples her life???

what i have learnt during all these years.....and think that every person caught up in difficult times should be able to understand....sooner or later......do not consider yourself as a victim ( though you feel like a handicapped most of the times) and do not indulge in self pity.....the moment you count upon your strengths , you become empowered .......all the limitations and handicaps make you differently able.....your thinking evolves to the levels you can't even imagine...........it may be slow but make it steady..............it has worked for me.......

these questions may be nonexistent for some people , i wouldn't say they are lucky , because i feel if we have the nerves to understand things around us, the things happening to other people around us, it helps our own self in growing up ( which i feel is an ongoing process regardless of age)....if i talk about myself.....i have stopped paying heed to such things long back in my own life, there are other issues which need my attention.......Mithi needs me so much by her side.......the question still haunts me why an innocent soul has to suffer so much.....the priority is towards keeping her happy even though she is in disgusting pain and embarrassment........it may sound strange but  as her intelligence is not affected in the condition she is suffering from, she really feels embarrassed when she sees that mama has to clean her sheets repeatedly sometimes and it becomes extremely messy and smelly sometimes........the embarrassment is very visible on her face even if a single muscle does not move........i have to ensure i cuddle her up after cleaning the things n kiss her n tell her it happens with everybody ( i tell her kabhi kabhi mama ko bhi loose motion hota hai to badbu aati hai...papa ko bhi hota hai...koi baat nahi ab theek ho jayega)........

i wonder when a 8 yr old with no exposure to outside world can understand the feelings , why grown ups seeing the world with eyes wide open become blind........

a post by IHM on Who gave you your thoughts   moved me to this space and i finished this half written post which was waiting in the drafts for long time........thankyou, IHM for bringing me back to home...alone.:)

.....for the things which have influenced me, i'll write my next post , hopefully very soon as it has been a subject of my ever wondering mind many a times........my post the banana seller also discusses the same things....