A perspective on roles of indian women...

Indusladies 2nd Annual International Women's Day Blog Contest

                                 (A perspective on roles of Indian Women)

The announcement for a contest by indusladies with this subject looks quite apt as i have been thinking on these lines recently .

Women are playing all their roles quite well , so what if some are lagging behind , there are issues to tackle , and their are some rough patches to be smoothed out , but that is the process of growth ...if it is in the right direction . In any part of the world women are juggling with the same issues , rising up and growing up , pushing the ceiling every day .

At the same time i would like to ask , why only women , even men have to justify many roles they take , and they are given names if they fail to do so. Still , I will emphasize on the challenges women have to take , abiding with the subject given , but i feel my perspective stands true to women as well as men .

As i said , the question of how women should groom themselves for a happy and content life has been pricking me for some time . Obviously , this is almost a constant thought process in the mind of an average thinking woman of our times , but these days this particular question has stuck to my mind . Thinking about a friend who didn't want to get divorced and at the same time was not able to address what she wanted in the relationship , and from life in general . All she could understand was , that she is financially independent , can take care of herself along with a 10 year old son and that she didn't want a separation ( she loved her husband and her husband loved her too ). It was a strange situation where the impending separation was being caused by 'external factors' and as the woman was not able to let go of some mental blocks , the separation looked inevitable , sadly . In spite of both the partners wanting to be together. Tricky situation.


I felt that grooming towards financial independence is given priority while bringing up the girls ( a very welcome change for sure) and  emotional well being and other life skills are given a miss. By grooming i mean growing up to become a well informed and a balanced head . I mean if a woman can free herself from the stereotype feminist views , it will be far more helpful in her complete well being. Like a set of obstacles can be there in any person's life , man or woman . And there is a set of obstacles that appear only in women's lives , if the woman blames all the other obstacles too being targeted towards her because of being a woman , this is wrong . The woman limits her resources and mental faculties by doing this. Freedom from this limitation will be instrumental. So if the husband cannot argue with his parents in your interest he is called a 'mama's boy' even if the same husband has supported you to go out and start a career of your own . The husband doesn't need to pull daggers for his parents if he loves you and wants you to succeed in life , let him maintain peace with his parents and be happy with what he is sharing with you , or get away from them all , if needed . Free yourself , but don't be prepared to be a victim. In the Indian socio-cultural milieu , the woman has to be sensitive to the balance needed in life , of hers as well as the immediate and extended family.

Fortunately , a series of telephonic 'sharing of ideas' could find a remedy for the feared separation of this friend . A workable solution , handling the situation practically and not expecting others to turn cooperative when they are not , judging them rightly , taking decisions accordingly....not acknowledging their authority when they are insensitive to you , that's it. Period.

Another acquaintance who feels that her ambition towards her career is somehow hindering with the pleasure she should get from her 4 year old son ....she thinks she has worked so hard for the career and having a kid was not in the original plan while dreaming about a big life . Kids come because we have to fit in the society , unfortunately , and then begins the struggle to sustain , all dreamy numbers evaporating in thin air .....and this ambitious mother was able to see logic for being a woman in charge of her life and happiness , she is trying to get out of the trap of proving a point about being ambitious and to please everybody regarding her career choices.

It would be worse if a woman starts out to become a hero and finally becomes a martyr , or worse , a victim . Being a happy contented soul will be so much better. 

Sometimes , we choose the roles we play , like we choose to have a dream career , a dream vocation , marry a certain person and we choose to be mothers . We justify our roles when we have chosen it consciously , we pursue our role with absolute conviction and understanding . Sometimes we fail , we learn , we try again and we succeed to a certain degree . All this we do as we had dreams of a certain life , we worked towards it and then we achieved it . What when we do not achieve as much as we had planned ?

This is the time when many of us women feel insufficient and incompetent to a certain degree , resulting into a harder struggle to succeed in every role we take. In my view point , we should not aim for absolute perfection . Learning from life , growing at every step and improvising as the life unfolds it's master plan before us...this is how we can better suit life in modern times. Aiming for absolute perfection is a waste of time , there is nothing like an absolutely perfect professional, absolutely perfect wife or an absolutely perfect mother . We all find comfort in our imperfections sometimes , accepting the imperfection is the key.There are no set guidelines for personal relationships , there is a tailor made solution for every situation here. For professional growth the guidelines work up to an extent but for the role we take in our personal lives we have to improvise and fine tune so many things to suit the milieu .

I see many women who hog and sweat to fit in . To fit in the perfect mould of a DIL , the perfect mould of a wife and the perfect mould of a mother and the most fancy mould of them all , the mould of the successful modern woman . This is a dangerous trend i am sorry . Juggling between professional and personal life , trying to fit in the perfect mould of a modern woman is not what should be aimed for . The sad thing is , the woman takes all the responsibilities trying to prove she is capable , intelligent and resourceful ...in the meantime , the husband and the family takes this for granted . I have seen this happening , in the initial years of my own marriage and many other women i know. While it is okay for a time being as you cannot start a life with all the calculations already done , and because most of us are so conditioned for the roles we take and how we execute them , it will be better if we judge the situation well before it goes out of control .

Being relaxed about the not so perfect life should be okay , rather welcome , as it provides scope for improvement , for growth . Juggling to fit in all the roles only results in a constant juggling and dissatisfaction leading to frustration....where is the time to enjoy life , can we think about letting our hair down and enjoy life ..... life as it comes, with a few dreams and plans thrown in for good measure.

The commercial ads portray an interesting picture of a modern woman . A slim , fair woman who heads a team in the office , comes home to serve instant noodles or ready to make soups to the kids , cooks a full course dinner , packs yummy tiffin boxes in the morning with assorted breakfast items for everybody in the family .... and turns up a spotless tan protected face framed with lustrous conditioned hair. And yes , she shops smartly too and goes to gym ...she has to 'look' perfect....Thankfully , many modern women are not the stereotypes , but the picture is glum when you see the reality of a middle class modern woman , more so if she is working.

Working for a woman is supposed to give her freedom and most of the times we witness , the woman gets a degree of freedom . More and more women are free even if they are not working .The freedom brings new responsibilities too. Responsibilities of choosing the roles we take up and doing justice with them , finding comfort in life at the same time....being comfortable in our own skin i mean. Being comfortable in our own skin is becoming a rare phenomenon these days i feel , most of us are trying to fit in something we have just a vague idea about. More so , the freedom doesn't only mean to chose our conveniences , freedom is to be able to throw away some of the mental blocks of our own . Like most women take pride in a spic and span home and if they do not get a good support system they feel sorry for themselves .

I dream of the day when all women would be proud of being a woman , will celebrate womanhood and will not compare themselves with the other sex . All women , and not a fortunate few .

I want to add that women are better equipped for management and coordination , armed with a brain whose chords are rightly placed ...err...better coordinated ( both the cerebral hemispheres are coordinated with more connective tissue actually ) , so they are clearly the superior sex if you don't count the muscle power ...and this fact is not open for debate :) ...not again.... i do not want another battle of sexes .


I am tagging three of my blogger friends who are passionate writers and they feel much on this topic ...

Tapati
Amrita 
Gauri Gharpure

thursday challenge ...trees in all their glory...

This post is featured in Blogadda's spicy Saturday picks Feb 19-2011..
  "TREES" (Saplings, Gnarly Trees, Snow Covered, Bonsai, Dead Tree, Shade Tree,...)

If the Thursday challenge says trees , i have so many to set my eyes on.....laden with flowers .... and fruit ... and a few more things ....

A lemon tree ... in all its glory ....take a closer look....

And now see what else it holds....

Got it ?

It is a nest and a family still lives in it... in the next picture you can see one of it's inhabitants..... look at the dead stump of a tree... This a small birdie having a crimson shaded head and golden yellow back . Very shy very chirpy and moves in groups...

And now a gnarled and dead guava tree to which i have hung a bowl of water and a basket of food for the birds.... the squirrel is picking up some bread...

And then she moves to a place to sit and gnaws at the piece of bread ... i make corn bread for them...

And here is a rose bud , as if a princess caught up in a prison....

The prison of it's own thorns.....

And still smiling like the most beautiful and innocent kid....

Thank you IHM for suggesting to post my trees . This is the first time i am posting something for this challenge and thoroughly enjoyed doing this....My plants always make me so happy and they never ask something in return....

There is one more interesting picture of a tree......This is probably the milk thistle , a variety of Euphorbia , I will confirm later ( right now i am in a hurry to post and then go walking :) ).... see , looks like it is on flame....

The top of the tree has turned yellow orange and it looks like it is about to bear gold on it...:)

being ambitious and being a mother....

Someone was talking to me about being ambitious , about being a mother and not being able to spend time with the 4 year old child .

Why my parents made me so ambitious that i can't look beyond my career and spend time with my child . Even when i am home and the child wants to play with me i know i am thinking or planning something else when i should be playing whole heartedly with my child. All the workload descends on me whenever my child asks me to play with him and i get irritated and snap on him or just keep multitasking while playing with the son....the reason why i am concerned is that my son doesn't bond with me well and i feel he feels alienated . Also i am noticing that whenever i go to his room when he is alone , he gets startled and almost scared , as if he withdraws all his playful tentacles and encloses himself into a hard shell whenever i am close to him.....what to do ???

The mother looked harried and pale and shaken . The only sparkle of dimmest light came to her face when she talked about her ambition and what projects she is working on. Making it lucid , i repeat it was still a very dim sallow sparkle.

Does your ambition leads you to this state of mind ?

Playing with your child with your heart and soul in unison , you could be reviving your own energies too . A revived , energetic , happy companion is all a child needs . Not a hovering helicopter who instructs to do this and to do that too . Not at all a half hearted playmate.

You can make your life beautiful with a baby around . The innocence and candid laughter touches your soul and makes the life worth living .
Are you letting your ambition destroy your happiness , your life ?

Do you think your ambition is the sole solace of your life ?

I sound very harsh when i ask why do you need a child when you don't have the time to enjoy the childhood of your own kid . In the process you destroy the childhood of you own kid .

I am not against being ambitious and chasing your dreams .

If you dream about a professional position , does it mean you should not enjoy life ?

I would also want to ask a question about the ambition , the dream of making it big.
Is the ambition about making it big professionally or being happy and contented in life in general? About having a family and kids who love you and care for you , and you care for them. 

You worked hard for your professional degrees and to rise . To the position you like.

You did absolutely nothing worthwhile to get married and to bear that child who is the biggest worry of your life today .

Bearing a child doesn't need any qualification or ambition , sadly.
Oh wait , there is a tendency to fit in the society by getting married and having children , you bear children because you want to look perfect.

Perfect.

Can you pick up the professional ambition and place it on a higher pedestal ?

Higher than the 'life' . The 'life' you so miss when the child is alienated from you and the family scene never happens even when you have decided to marry and have a family.

You chose your ambition and you chose to have a family . The ambition eats you up and the family becomes a punching bag . A refuse . An irritable entity in your life. A nagging reminder of the things to do list.

You expect your child to love you , come running to you happily when you come home and wrap his arms around you . Comfort you after work (smirk)....but your child is not doing all of that .... what is wrong with him.... how to make him straight??

Balance .

The child has the birthright to be nurtured . Nature is reminding you . Take notice.

Note : the thought was actually gnawing at my heart since i encountered this . The post has come out like a preaching tone . Excuse me for that . I got my slice of peace back after writing this....bash me if you don't agree ...i am ready to take it...

see what I dug up today....

Sundays are lazy excuses to get up late and have a late breakfast and so it was today. After the breakfast I went out to check my plants and as the mali (gardener) had cleared the shakarkand (sweet potato) bed yesterday, I was looking for the cracks in the ground. I spotted one and dug just with my fingers first. I do that kind of things and don't ever look at my nails :)

These pink beauties were peeping at me and I jumped up to get my tools and the camera....

An excited yet careful digging for five minutes revealed these...

And just so that you can see how big they are, I had never seen them so big .... a few smaller and thinner ones were also found, held in the other hand....

This was the very first time I had planted a sweet potato and the vine had taken over the garden in no time . I used to keep it in bounds though and even used to trim them to make a very tasty saag and even with daal (like palak wali daal) ... the leaves are beautiful even for indoor flower or plant arrangements .

I know my Dad will be so happy to see this :)

The Bracelet .... a fantasy journey into the mystical world...

The invitation to the book launch was quite tempting but i had not attended any book launch before this and i was in two minds about going to be a part of it . Half of a Sunday was to be sacrificed and it was not my idea of having a good time till now. A call from a great blogger friend got me thinking and i decided to give it a try . She generously picked me up and after a long and invigorating chit chat along the 1 hour drive we reached the venue to find a cute guy greeting us introducing himself as the kid # 2 ( Kartik ) of the lovely and vivacious Phoenixritu .

Ishaan Lalit , the kid # 1 is the author of this gripping fantasy woven around two mystical groups on war .... 27 year old Ishaan is a pilot and the first impression makes you think that the book must be a kid lit written for fun by a pampered cute looking guy ( sorry ). How wrong i was with my first impression as the book turned out to be a well crafted fantasy , actually it is a semi science fiction as there is some time travel and some brain shuffling too... when i picked up the book i was heavily prejudiced to think it as a kido literature , felt that the beginning was a bit slow ...but as i moved through the pages the book gripped me till i reached the last page .... a pleasant surprise to be honest.

I would recommend the book for all age groups , probably the teenagers and some grown up kids may find it more interesting than the insomniac minds of adults ... what ?? You still are a kid ?? Just go buy the book and read it in one go....

wishing you all .....

I realized just now how terribly late i am in wishing all my friends here a Happy New Year .

I hope you are still sticking to your new year resolutions , though i am sure some of you might have already broken your's . As for me i never made a new year resolution , resolutions work for me only when i make short term ones . So my new short term resolution is that i will be updating my blogs more often . But short term resolutions need frequent invigorations ...do i need to resolve to invigorate my resolutions frequently too...ehh...

As many of my readers and friends here already know that this time of the year could have been dreadfully painful for me and i was really not very confidant about being in a steady mind .

I feel the warmth of your love when i get the mails from you enquiring my absence from the blogs and i feel humbled as  many of you remembered this time of the year and gave me strength though your mails, comments and messages .

Thankfully , i tagged along with Arvind for one of his oficial tours ( to Chennai ) and though i was shit scared how i would feel staying alone in the geust house or would i be able to explore Chennai alone with this state of mind , i found myself in the company of extremely creative people and i am loving being with them.

So , as most of you are aware of , 31st Dec was the first death anniversary of Mithi and i am still feeling a painful lump in my throat while typing these words ( let me assure you that i am fine and enjoying my time here ) but that day was truly magical in every sense .

I was reading a book ' The Year of Magical Thinking ' by Joan Didion gifted to me by IHM and i had finished the book on the 30th . I must admit here that i was expecting a lot from this book and the only hint of magical thinking was unfolded in the final oparts of the book but reading the book at this time of the year and finishing it on that date was magical in itself . Joan had lost her husband on the 30th of Dec and i had not timed or planned the  reading of this book . IHM had handed me three books when we met at the Indiblogger meet and i had decided to bring these books to Chennai as i wanted some good books to read on this 'unpredictable' tour . I picked up this one first and it turned out this way . Joan has viewed death as a minismal event in the larger scheme of things which take place on our planet , if not the universe . She quotes many small islands were blown away by the Tsunami and as a geologist she says that she used to feel a sense of peace during earthquakes ....if that is magical...

The magical events of my day is yet to unfold . We had decided on the 30th Dec morning that we will go to watch sunrise at Marina beach and as Arvind asked for the directions and distance from out guest house a few of his colleagues wanted to come along instantly . I was apprehensive about company as i wanted this to be a private moment for us but still i decided to go with the flow and we took a local train to reach the beach . I ( we ) enjoyed the early morning train ride and the sunrise was 'magical' too . The sun , the sand and the waves were therapeutic , magical and everything else we needed that day . I am enormously thankful to the two wonderful people who accompanied us that day and made us feel protected and pampered ( we were really feeling like lost children again around this time ) . I must say here that i find it really magical whenever you get the company of nice people at the time when you are the most vulnerable , or even when otherwise mean people are nice with you in such times . 

So we watched the sunrise , bought some shells and headed to the guest house . The sea waves had washed away most of my disorientation and delirium but still there were new , however smaller waves of grief shaking me every now and then . We got ready and reached the venue ( the NISCAIR team was doing the media coverage of an important event here ) , the thought process was not very pleasant during the short drive but as soon as we reached there i decided to hold my neck straight and smile and guess what ...... Gauhar Raza complemented the both of us for looking smart . Hero-heroine ( he said jokingly ) are looking very smart today and i came up with a repartee ... director saab ko hero heroine smart lagte hain to koi fikr nahi kisi aur ko lage na lage  ( if the director thinks the hero n heroine are smart looking , it doesn't matter how we are to the others ) ... with this refreshing boost i felt like i have conquered my fears for the day .

Many times during the day i was reminded of what we were doing the same day last year and the memories were enough to shake me up , but i had the energy to gulp it down and smile and even feel good about it . Don't you feel it was magical in every sense . We were heading towards pondicherry the next day with a rejuvenated heart and mind and that trip was great too.

The mood is upbeat as i said the company of extremely creative people and the vibrant atmosphere here at the venue makes me nostalgic about my research days . Nostalgia is good ... it masks the bad memories like fresh and frothy waves of the sea smoothen out the sand as i pick small sea shells .... my cute little keepsakes....

baby parrot come again ....

I am terribly late in introducing this lovely guest to you . This was about a week back from Diwali , i heard some unusual flutter outside my window . A pleasant chirp of a herd of parrots is nothing new but they keep themselves perched on the higher branches of the trees mostly . I have failed miserably whenever i tried to shoot them

I feel so lucky to be so close to nature , green surroundings , a jungle-garden and loads of birds . I have seen so many colors , shapes and sizes of birds here and many of them choose to make their nests in my trees . But i am very bad at taking pictures ... i am so engrossed in the experience of watching them that i forget to shoot them most of the times . On the other times when i rush inside to fetch the camera , i get so conscious of not disturbing them and i fail ...... to take a decent picture.

 This is how i shot this baby ....

up and close .........

He just hopped here n there a few times and flew away ... i have been waiting for him to come down from the higher branches since then .... hard luck .... but he is so cute .  This picture i shot in the last week of October .

A child can be so easily recognized by his/her body language , checking out everything and taking short uncertain flights ... this baby is flying a bit more confidently now but is not giving me any opportunity to shoot him .... waiting till then.

my garden pictures...

Okay ...i have a garden in the middle of Delhi and i am not a millionaire .... i don't live in a huge bungalow surrounded by a lush garden for your kind information . It is a small apartment located in a government owned campus . I am on the ground floor and luckily there is open garden space both in the front and back . There is a huge drumstick tree , a nice lemon tree loaded with lemons right now , a curry patta tree , a jamun tree both in the front and back , a bael tree and a chakotra ( grapefruit ) tree adorning my garden . Apart from this there is a mehendi fence interrupted with paarijat bushels and a very fragrant variety of jasmine too . I keep planting some seasonal flowers and vegetables but there is no set layout and the overall look is like an unkempt patch of greenery .... here are a few glimpses....

                                                                          the Araucaria  ....

                                                                  Pink Abutilon .........

                                                    Violet creeper ( railway creeper )...

 

 Right side of the garden during rains........right behind the papaya tree the curry patta and lemon tree are jostling for space ........

Left side of the garden .........you can see the plants battered by rains , sunflowers can be seen which were in the last lap of their growth span , they are huge sunflowers ( 6-7 inch diameter ) rains made it difficult for them ... In this picture only a few sunflower plants have been left . I am posting a riot of sunflowers in the later part of this post ....scrawl down...... Luckily i have saved a few seeds.

                                                  The papaya trees about a month ago...

 Some potted greenery..................

 

                                                          Growing almost wild.......

                               These lilies look like two shining stars to me......... almost wild again...

A small rock garden i tried to construct , still needs some work....

Mogra during the rains.........last lap of the mogra season.................

                                                         Isn't it wild ....well almost....

                                                                Some more abutilons....

                                                          A branch of lemons in the sunshine........

             The Gomphrenas i uprooted last week and saved the bright colored flowers for dry decorations...

                                                                          Close up....

                                                           One more shot of the Araucaria...

                                   And now ........my happy sunflowers .........attracting lots of bees....

                                                           
                                                                  The buds coming up.......

                                                                       Young flowers.......

                                                            Growing neatly in a row......

                                                      Drooping with it's own weight....

                                                         Don't they look absolutely happy........

 Wait for some other happy looking flowers in the next post ............these were all my summer flowers and the overdrive of the rainy season ...... some quite winter things next time.....

A few of my readers and friends have been asking for my garden pictures ....... i want to remind you my friends...that , this is a lazy woman's garden and the pictures have been uploaded in a lazy frenzy.....if there is something like that .............. but the pictures made me happy in the middle of the night and hope they will do the same to you too......... cheers !!!